The Big Lie
Now, I was quite a gullible child - I tended to believe everything adults told me. Things like 'If you pull a face and the wind changes, it could stay that way forever' or 'If you shave, the hair grows in quicker' (a piece of advice which led to an unfortunate incident involving a Gilette Mach 3 Razor and 'little Pavlov' - who briefly became a bit 'Brazilian').

I was so naive, I even believed in Santa Claus until the age of 12 - I could probably trace the loss of my innocence right back to that day I found out Santa wasn't real - the realisation that my parents could actually tell lies. The wool fell from my eyes, and, immediately, all their previous advice came under suspicion. So, drink and drugs were bad, were they? I made a mental note to try them as soon as possible.

However, even the great deception of Santa Claus paled into comparison beside my mother's favourite phrase to me as I was growing up - 'Lying will get you nowhere'

Lying will get you nowhere? Bullshit. Lying got me through every job interview I've ever had. If I told nothing but the truth, I would be unemployable.

"So, Mr Pavlov, what makes you want to work for our company?"
"Well, to be honest, I couldn't give a fuck which company I work for, as long as I get a regular paycheck. After all, I enjoy a good drink, and dabble in illicit substances - I've got a lifestyle to fund."

"Where do you see yourself in five years time?"
"I don't usually think that far ahead. I haven't even decided what I'm doing next weekend. Though I doubt I'll still be here - as soon as a better paying job becomes avaliable, I am out of here!"

"Tell me about yourself"
"Well, I'm lazy, I lack motivation, I like to sleep in and tend to be late a lot. I'll find out how I can play the system, and I'll try to get away with doing as little actual work as possible."

"What are your positive qualities?"
"Well, I'm honest, I'm clean, I'll never get angry with customers or staff, I'm always polite, and I'll be able to hook up staff members with any illicit substance of their choice."

"Why do you want to leave your current job?"
"I'm bored of it - I usually last, at most, 6 months in a job before becoming bored and looking elsewhere. Customer service isn't exactly the most fulfilling of careers - it's something I'm only doing to earn money, until I figure out what I really want to do with my life."

If it wasn't for lying, I would have hurt the feelings of almost everyone I know at one time or another. Every relationship I've had would have been ruined within weeks. Questions like "Do you think Angelina Jolie's better looking than me?", "What did you think of my parents?" or "Do you like my new haircut?" demand to be lied to - to tell the truth would be insane.

I certainly won't tell my kids, "Lying will get you nowhere," because I'd be lying. I'd tell them the truth - a well-placed lie can often help you out, but only when used in moderation.

I make no apologies for length, girth, circumference or meat content.
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 1:57, 2 replies)

Some of your responses
make me think you should be in govt work like me.....
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 2:03, closed)

Just one little word of advice
When you have kids, and you tell them that lying can OK, make DAMN sure that lying to you is un-thinkable.

Though it's quite funny when they lie to you as little kids, it gets less and less funny as they get into their teens.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:51, closed)