I remember once at university
we had one pretentious music-student twat flatmate who, completely messed up the living room and never, ever cleaned his dishes, and would then spend hours and hours lecturing us on how we should clean our plates if we so much as left a teaspoon out of place.

Along with his girlfriend, who used to hammer on doors and insist that we all got up when *she* got up, which was always at 7.30 in the morning, they were the most annoying couple I have ever had the misfortune to meet. They once reduced the most mild-mannered, quiet Brummie bloke I have ever met to paroxysms of shouting and physical threats after woke up for a lecture on the day we were due to have a flat inspection (and had thus spent the previous week cleaning everything up perfectly) to find that the Pretentious Twat had strewn an entire roll of tinfoil around the kitchen.

My revenge was more subtle. I knew they were both vegetarians, and loved those Quorn faux-chicken chunks you can get in various flavours in the little bags. I was making a nice big beef spaghetti bolognese that night while they were out, so while I was waiting for the pan to heat up, once the mince was removed, I took some tongs and very carefully dipped every last chunk of Quorn in the dripping cow blood in the bottom of the tray.

I have never been happier to see someone eat Quorn.
( Shegetz Chris Kamara's comedy moustache, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 14:05, Reply)