my life is one big sham...
Well, not quite - I am really married, I really do enjoy my home and, oddly enough, my CV isn't a pack of lies, but I've done my fair share of wind-ups, porkies, white lies and outright shame-faced falsehoods. Highlights include:

1) A schoolfriend and I pretending to be German at the Channel Tunnel exhibit in Kent on a tortuously dull school trip. We'd wander up to random strangers and bark random phrases at them. Result? One girl burst into tears (she must have been 15...) and one boy who tried to talk to us in schoolboy German with us faking finding it hard to spake Englischer - eventually he asked if we were brothers and we responded with a "fuck, no!" and wandered off - the look on his face was priceless.

2) Telling a girl I wanted to be with her when actually what I enjoyed was the regular threesomes with her blonde housemate. Oh, and the fact she took it up the poo-chute. As did her housemate. It was easier than dump her, but try to be civil whilst shagging her mate...

3) Pretended to be depressed and tearful to get the Goth girl I fancied to follow me out of the Student Union to console me. It was the only way to get her away from the gimp who was following her like a puppy from freshers' week until the time he walked into her communal kitchen to find her bent over the table and me hammering away at her...we didn't stop though. lol

4) Told my dad I didn't know how the wing mirror of his car got broken ("must have been some bastard in the car park") when I borrowed it to get to work (my motor was in the garage) - the truth is, I removed it when I clipped a chav's Nova as he veered into my lane and I wasn't stopping (hey, i was running late already). Then again, a new one cost £20 from the scrappie and it was the Chav's fault anyway...

and, the biggie

5)telling MI5 that I'd never touched drugs on an application form. Good thing I didn't get that job, really...lol
(Chad, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:00, 8 replies)

I think the technical term for people like you
is "Cunt".

You spend your whole life fucking people over and still manage to find someone to marry you.

Well done.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:06, closed)

^
Mmmm.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:11, closed)

lol
not far off baz.
(Lannes, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:20, closed)

Cunt-ish
On the flip side, I've done charity work for four years, worked with the homeless, looked after disabled parents and work bloody hard to provide for my wife.

No, I don't feel proud about what I did in 2)but in fairness, the girl in question was a bunny-boiler (like she was introducing me to her folks as her fiance two hours into our FIRST date) and, also, it was her idea to do the threesome thing, so I don't feel overly bad about it - no-one got hurt and I did the gentlemanly thing and dumped her pretty sharpish.

I do think 1) was just funny. The girl crying was just weird - we ask where the train station is in bad german and she bawls like a toddler. In hindsight, she was either mentally deficient in some way or doing some heavy duty smack.

As for 3), well, the only one who got upset was the stalker-type and he really should have taken the hint when she kept telling him to fuck off...no?

And, yes, number 5 is true. Weirdly, the job application form is classified, but is freely downloadable from their website. Bizarre...lol
(Chad, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 16:40, closed)

3- Hilarious
If I was completely in love with someone I'd be pissing myself if I walked into a kitchen to find them being banged by a sensitive soul who laughs in my face.

2- It doesn't matter if she was a bunny boiler, you should have dumped her as soon as your suspicions arose, rather than staying with her so you could fuck the girl you actually fancied in front of her.

Seems to be a bit of a theme here...
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 17:31, closed)

hmm
You probably didn't get the MI5 job because you used "lol" on the application form.
( rofl harris, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 17:49, closed)

"wind-ups, porkies, white lies and outright shame-faced falsehoods"
I don't think points 2 or 3 could reasonably be described as any of those. "Being a twat" is probably the phrase you're looking for.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 16 Jul 2008, 19:54, closed)

I'm no angel..
I never claimed to be perfect (hell, I've been a prick at times, but so has everyone). As for the bunny-boiler - well, it was her idea to get her mate involved, so I don't think it's exactly me being a total bastard - I just took the opportunity presented. As would most of the people currently slating me for doing it, I feel.

No, it wasn't particularly nice of me, but no-one got hurt. Oh, and it's no worse than her lies to me about her just wanting a "casual thing" then acting like a possesive freak as soon as we got together. When you have have barely spoken to someone and they are already planning the wedding fifteen minutes into the first date, you have to say they are slightly unhinged. In fact, she was bat-shit crazy. But, of course, that's ok as she's a girl and I'm being mysogynistic. If, of course, I'd have acted like that to her, I'd no doubt be classed as a "stalker" - so no, I don't think it was cool to do what I did, but franky she scared the crap out of me and I wasn't about to dump her to go out with her mate - we'd be lying in a shallow grave somewhere if I had.
(Chad, Thu 17 Jul 2008, 9:50, closed)