Ape escape
I don't get along with my mother at the best times, but out of all the females in my extended family, she's the only conversation option that doesn't result in me staring very hard at them to see if I can explode them with my mind.

My aunt Jackie, for that is her name, is much worse. Father's sister, married an alcoholic and stuck by a few bouts of domestic violence. The story goes that after disproving the wedding of Mummy Badger and Daddy Badger, her hubby got ratarsed and tried it on with my mum. She told Jackie, and to this day still believes that my mum tried to take advantage of a 16 stone balding alcoholic car salesman. Who wouldn't?

So this bubbles under the surface for a good 15 years or so. Jackie won't speak to my mum without her husband being present and all that. One day Jackie calls up trying to speak to my dad. He's not in, so Jackie concludes that my mum is now trying to isolate him from the family.

[Conversation cut short for the sake of my fingers]

'...I know he's there, so get him on the phone you stupid bitch'

'He's picking the kids up, watch your language and I'll take a message.'

'Listen, I want to speak to the organ grinder, not the fucking monkey.'

Mum puts the phone down, they don't speak for 5 years until my cousins wedding. Everything is civil in the ceremony and we're invited to the reception and have a few drinks. All is well.

Except for that one incident where my mother comes out of the toilet, armed with a ripe turd and lunges at my aunt Jackie in a way that would do Wolverine proud, screaming 'this is what monkeys do, isn't it?!' repeatedly as she prods her in the face with it.

We were very swiftly loaded into the car and sent home. The dog finished off the rest of the Mars bar. Kind of molten though.

I can only pray they both turn up to my wedding.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 12 Nov 2009, 16:16, 1 reply)

Your mum
is made of pure awesome 24 carat win.
but also possibly a bit mental...
(berk, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 18:41, closed)