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This is a question Family Feuds

Pooster tells us that a relative was once sent to the shops to buy an onion, while the rest of the family went on a daytrip while he was gone. Meanwhile, whole sections of our extended kin still haven't got over a wedding brawl fifteen years ago – tell us about families at war.

(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:24)
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I smacked my brother in the face. Hard.
And holy *fuck* he deserved it.

OK so... my brother Huw works as a doctor. Not that you can tell by the smug fuckeryness he brings to any given party. Oh no. With that and the two small kids, he's a bit too used to being in charge, no matter what. I'd love to say this doesn't spill over to his non-work life. But I'd be lying.


Huw was a superior, lordly little cunt when we were kids. Never missing the opportunity to give it the Charlie Big-Potatoes it over his little brother (that's me. Hi.), when to be honest the answer was simply "er, that's because you're nine, and I'm six, you daft bastard. Hence you can do long division or whatever." But, you know, whatever gets you through...


Fast forward a few years - I'm 34 at that point - and I'm quite good at DIY. Basically because my mate's Dad showed me most of it, it's not a big deal in and of itself. I now work doing project management for an audio-visual company... data networks, a/v, whatever it might be. Tellies, projectors, that sort of thing.

So when Huw's wife asks me how to fix a big heavy mirror to the wall, I give her the advice about wall fixings, rawlpugs, several screws versus two coachbolts, the usual. Any builder or old boy anywhere knows this stuff. Plus a bit of over-engineering just in case.


My mistake was to casually enquire as to the weight of the mirror. 35kg apparently. "Oh, right, so about the same as a big telly." This being last year when plasma TVs weighed about that, in the 42"-50" range. LCD tellies weigh less, but tbqfh at the big sizes they are wank. Sorry for dulls; it's my job.

This is the point where Doctor Smugtwat has to weigh in. "I don't think a telly weighs *quite* that much..." While doing these mincy iron-pumping actions, which is funny; he hasn't taken any exercise in ten years or so.

"Er, the weights are written on the boxes, dear boy. I can read, actually."

To cut a too-long-already story short, Doctor Smugtwat takes a swing. Misses. Gets a smack in the mouth, goes down. Bleeds a bit. Bit of a mistake when only one brother takes any exercise (and the boxing classes were good fun, never planned to use them but it's all a bit needs-must-when-the-devil-drives). I think it was a sort of a right hook with a bit of uppercut. Got toothy marks on my knuckles and everything. Score.

Huw, if you're reading this, you're a smug cunt, you deserved it, and I'm amused to picture you bleeding on the floor every time I think about it. I miss your kids and your missus, but you? You can fuck off and die. Remember the time I had to take you away from the house party for nearly-getting-a-shoeing from the host? I do. And you say *he's* a psycho? Mirrors are available, dear boy.

Lack of funnies? Sorry everyone.
(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 22:06, 7 replies)
So let me get this straight...
...you twatted him right in the kisser cos of an argument over how much a mirror weighed?


(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 23:16, closed)
T'be fair, the other bugger swung first.
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 0:43, closed)
Don't quite understand WHY his brother swung at him though. For being told a TV is as heavy as a mirror?

(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 7:15, closed)
Not trying to cause any offence
But you do get the feeling with these stories everything isn't as one way as purported! Maybe not in this case but you never know...
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 10:32, closed)
My guess is it revolves around "Huw's wife".
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 12:22, closed)
Probably right!
But the person in the situation can't exactly see that, can they? So attempts at an unbiased account are best left to, er, the unbiased, and there wasn't one there.

Never touched/looked at the wrong way/wanted to/thought about it/ the wife though. That's just the wrong tree.

Hey ho. He's not *always* a twat I suppose. ~Mutters~
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 18:11, closed)
There's your problem then
If you were to tell your brother that he's a lucky man, you are jealous, that his wife has beautiful tits and that you'd love to spray them with your bollock batter, I confidently predict everything will be OK between you forever.

Or possibly not.
(, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 11:48, closed)

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