Not me but someone i know !!
About 10 years ago I had a mate who was the son of a farmer in the west country and their familly had a semi decent sized farm. Cow, sheep, spuds etc. I wasn't really that interested in all that he was growing in the fields apart from what i was not supposed to scramble over when taking out the motorbikes for a run about !! Noisy bike, Lots of space, lots of mud !! Happy times !!

Now as my mates parents were actually quite well off at the time, they did have some nice equipment and his dad asked if he and I would go to some show to look at some stuff. Some big show with big names in the farming industry or whatever showing off their new bits. Now as i am not a farming lad, i couldn't tell you who the celebrity farming names are as I was only interested in going to shows like that if it were something like the Motorcycle News Show with all the manufacturers and the tasty looking dolly girls and some bike racers floating around. So as this is not my kind of event i initially declined the invite. But then my mate was so keen on going as his dad wasn't i said I would go along for moral support but he could buy the smokes and beer for the train journey.

Suffice to say, that on the 3 hour train journey, and the couple of changeovers, we had a bit too much to smoke of the "homegrown" and quite a few beers, so a bit dazed and bloodshot eyes, but never the less, i though we were both OK, lets put on the sunglasses.

Now as with all shows and his familly was very much into his top bling stuff, we got there and he headed straight to some group surrounding some farming celeb, I still have no chuffing clue who the hell he is but matey seemed to be very happy in meeting him. Me, i just wait in the sidelines checking out some rather buxom farmers daughters. Would it be worth it even if they do have webbed toes??

Now back comes my mate, with a big smile on his face, he has just got some blokes autograph who has the biggest mutton chops i have EVER seen. SO off we go around this show, he's busy looking at stuff, I am slowly getting more bored so we nip outside for some lunch and another sample of the "homegrown"

Now this "homegrown" was rather devilish stuff and rather than making us sleepy, we were just in a funny mood now. So going up to girls and just chatting them up without any thought of any consequences. ie Their boyfriend who makes giant haystacks look like a limp wristed mincer etc but we come away with just a few slapped faces but still smiling.

Then is all starts to get a bit messy !!

Matey is going a bit odd now and starts to stare at things a bit too long. He's lost it !! So we cue up for a coffee, I think 1-2 really strong ones should do the trick. Now this does perk my mate up, but maybe a little too much as I forgot he doesn't drink coffee or tea !!

Off he plods and I lose sight of him. 5 mins later I find him sat on the top of a combine harvester, semi naked, big crowd around him and he's prentending he's driving it !!! Now these places didn't have bouncers but these people who were showing off these machines climbed up and grabbed him off. Now when they were pulling him off, i noticed that they were some of the same mutton chopped faced people he had been cuing up to grab their autographs from. Matey noticed as well and tries to hug them in a very excited and obviously innebriated state but then gets carried out of the building, put next to a wall and hay bale but he then starts to wobble. then half leans on the hay bale. Yup, my mate has shown himself up a treat and is now standing there with his head lolling around like a bladder on a stick !!!

What i hadn't noticed was the 2 girls, both with large buckets of water who were fast approaching him !!

SPLOSH, SPLOSH !!!!! "AAAAAAAAAAAARGH"

now as it was a nice summers day, we had a little walk about and i didn't take him long to dry up, and due to the 2 ice cold buckets of water, he was suitably sobered !! So off we pop down the pub for a cold non alcoholic drink to chill out and contemplate the day.

Now my mate looked like a broken man. He had started the day with a fresh excited face, and now he just looked all sad and depressed. I knew he liked an occasional cigar so I went and bought some from the bloke behind the bar (as you could smoke in pubs back then)

So we have a couple of cigars and the bar has that nice bar room smokey hue (they way pubs SHOULD be !!!! Fucking non smokers ruining our fun !!!)

Now, 1/2 hour later, that mutton chopped man happened to come in the pub with a few of his big mutton chopped faced mates and they get a beer each. They notice me and my mate with our cokes and cigars and he comes over.

"OOO ARRRR, Did you enjoy your wake up call there laddy? you were a bit aaaart of it thaaarre."

Now quick as, my mate takes a long draw on his cigar, then blows a big load of cigar smoke in this blokes face and i saw him getting quite angry !! Matey then stood up, went almost face to face with him then sucked all the smoke away from Mr mutton chops. I was just about to grab matey and run out of the pub but my mate just stood there and said.

"Fuck off, I'm an EX-Tractor fan now"


Length? far too long and far too stoopid !! I am now getting my coat !!!!
(shagbolt, Mon 20 Apr 2009, 9:10, 2 replies)

And we were doing so well...
*Le sigh*
( jim_bob can herd cats., Mon 20 Apr 2009, 10:19, closed)

yes we were doing well,
But did i have you going even just for a min? Admit it, you thought it was a decent story but then just another crap joke !!! hee hee !!!
(shagbolt, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 10:03, closed)