"I don't know why they don't just wall it off and call it Broadmoor."
I don’t know if any of you have ever spent any time in Thurrock, Essex – but if you have, you’ve probably spent that time at that honest-to-goodness cathedral of despair that calls itself ‘Lakeside’. I myself have spent many happy horrible afternoons there, having been dragged there by a combination of girlfriends, parents and morbid curiosity.

And so it was, four weeks ago, that I once again ended up walking around the gleaming floors of one of South-East England’s premier retail establishments. It was a hot day and while my parents (who were shopping for holiday kit) were busy, my fiancée and I decided we’d do our food shop in M&S.

Walking around the aisles, aimlessly picking up produce that I didn’t need and would never use before putting it back down again, I saw her. He golden locks tumbled about her shoulders and her eyes sparkled in the sunlight. She was beautiful.

And stood behind her was Sally Gunnell, former athlete and Barcelona ’92 Gold Medallist.

Not wanting to stare too much, I backed away, and went to find my other half.

“Guess who I just saw!” I cried, with child-like excitement. “I dunno,” she replied, giving me one of her appraising looks – the kind she gives me when she’s working out if I’m about to be an idiot or not – “Ghandi? Jesus?”

“Don’t be absurd. Jesus would shop in Waitrose.”

She sighed. “OK then. Who have you seen?”

“Sally Gunnell, former athlete and Barcelona ’92 Gold Medallist!”

“Who?”

As I rapidly explained to my lady just who Sally Gunnell was, punctuating my points with a packet of spaghetti, the lady herself could only have been an aisle away. I finished my heartfelt missive:

“Sally” *prod* “ruddy” *prod* “Gunnell” *prod* “A fine athlete, an excellent runner, and a proud ambassador for this nation. “

“So?”

“So she’s in bloody Lakeside! What kind of a global star of athletics shops in Lakeside?”

“One that lives nearby.” Said a voice behind me. I turned. Sally Gunnell, former athlete and Barcelona ’92 Gold Medallist was stood behind me, an expression of cold fury etched on to her horse-like face.

“Oh. Er…” I stammered, but she had gone. The moment had passed. I, shame faced, discarded the spaghetti that I has erstwhile been using as a visual aid, and ran out of the shop in a manner which, had the Gunnell seen it, was reminiscent of her fine performance in 1992. When she won a Gold Medal. In Barcelona. Except you couldn’t see my clunge.
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 12:02, 8 replies)

Don;t worry mate
she sounds like a twat...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 12:19, closed)

I'm told she started to go much faster...
...when she swapped her white high heels for Nike Airs.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 21 Apr 2009, 12:46, closed)

Clicked
for "Jesus would shop in Waitrose". Quality.
( I_Was_Mordred, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 12:56, closed)

Ha!
but I would never describe Sally Gunnell as "Beautiful".
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 14:34, closed)

Neither did DiT
Read it again!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 21 Apr 2009, 15:33, closed)

Sally Gunnell's CLUNGE?
Oh my...I feel violated at the thought.

*Sput* *sput* *sput*
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 9:49, closed)

"giving me one of her appraising looks"...
...do I do that?? Haha sorry! But you do come out with some daft things sometimes! :)
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Wed 22 Apr 2009, 10:46, closed)

Ssh!
I'm meant to be all enigmatic and stuff!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the fair maiden and lady who finally acquiesced to my requests of marriage is, in fact, Flim Flam The Magnificent...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 16:08, closed)