Flaming Fucker
My mates and I were sat on the perimeter hill that lines the edge of the Download site; the bit just before you get to the racetrack, where you can sit and mong out and watch the tiny speck of the band in the distance on the main stage while I relax after a heavy day trudging about and queueing for:

a) a piss
b) some beer
c) some more beer after a big hairy cunt spills my pints on the way back to where my mates are sitting
d) a portion of under-cooked noodles smeared in watered down brown sauce for the princely sum of £6–50
e) another piss
f) a novelty giant sized top hat made out of bright red felt
g) oddly, a Calipo – just because I really fancied one
e) even more beer

So, my mates and I spent our day wandering about, listening to various bands and saying to random emo kids: “Cheer up, mate – might never happen.”

We’re sat on this big steep hill, drinking the contents of a big paper carrier bag full of booze we’d managed to smuggle in with us, passing round the now nearly empty bottles of bacardi, JD, and Teachers (blurchh!). I have absolutely no idea who was playing. It was the year System of a Down headlined, so it was probably them. Though in all honesty it could’ve been Britney-fucking-Spears on stage as far as we were concerned. We were – I think the phrase goes – absolutely fucking shitfaced wankered.

Steve goes to finish off the bacardi, swigging it back and taking a deep pull on the bottle; he looked like an eager calf greedily suckling at a set of engorged cow-boobies. Mike, my other mate, playfully knocked the bottle out of his gob and it fell to the ground and rolled down the hill, gathering speed, bobbling and bouncing until it hit some goth bird on the arse. She turned and shot us a nasty look, called us a “load of wankers.” We apologised.

The band droned on on stage, the sound lost in the slight swell of the wind – it made whoever it was sound like they were in a tumble dryer. I sat and watched the crowd – the ground at the foot of the hill for as far as the eye could see was littered with thousands of festival-goers, mostly dressed in black, some dancing a bit, others relaxing laying on the ground, munching on something overpriced and undercooked.

Mike finished off the teachers, then he started absently searching for some stones and pebbles which he placed inside the bottle. After ten minutes or so he’d filled it up to the bottom of the teachers label, about a quarter full of stones and various bits of crap.

“What the fuck are you doing, Mike?” I asked.

“It’s getting dark... I’m making a light,” he said.

I shrugged. It kept him quiet, I was enjoying a nice little relax. Fuck it. I listened to the music, watched the crowd and glanced occassionally over at Mike as he systematically tore up strips of the paper carrier bag and stuffed it inside the bottle. Eventually, after he’d laboured over this thing for about five minutes, he set fire to the bushy load of paper sticking out the top with his lighter; it looked like a miniature flaming palm tree, and plonked it down between his legs. Sat back with a big stupid grin on twattish face and went to stretch out his legs.

At which point he knocked the bottle over and sent it rolling down the hill, gathering speed, the bright orange flame flashing in the dim light as it mixed with whatever remnants of whisky were left inside the bottle.

“GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY !!!” I screamed.

Then other people screamed as they turned and saw this weapon hurtling towards them, this flaming improvised device of doom and destruction....

I heard more screaming. I heard loads more swearing....

.... but I’d really love to know how that turned out....

...you see, Mike, Steve, and Spanky were legging it as fast as humanly possible in the opposite direction before the flaming fucker hit.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 16:53, 4 replies)

2005?
Great year!

Sunday lineup was fantastic, but the sound engineers couldn't be fucked, so everyone was pretty shit until SOAD came on.

Were you involved in the massive condom fight? The group I was with supplied about half the ones that were blown up and thrown round!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 16:59, closed)

I dabbled in that...
The most fun I've ever had using a condom, that was.

Thanks for providing the profolactics, mate.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 17:00, closed)

No sex?
Why no sex?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 17:02, closed)

Well...
We were given 20 each at the start of the festival, and I was much younger then, and actually loyal to the girlfriend!
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 4 Jun 2009, 17:04, closed)