I have quite a big nose.
I found this out the moment I started school. I am also built like a streak of piss, and have the sort of face that some people love to hate.

In my early 30s, having left a stunningly crap staff Christmas party, I decided to dip into my old local in my borough of Mordor, and have a sharpener before going home.

The pub is pretty empty, and I prop up the bar with a cigarette and a pint, enjoying a quiet moment.

There is a bloke a few feet away from me doing the same.

"Oi." says bloke.

Oh god, thinks I - here we go. I ignore him.

"OI." says bloke, "OI BIG NOSE!"

This prompts me to go a bit Steve Martin on him - "Honestly?! Really?! Is that the best you can come up with?! Jesus Christ man it's pathetic! It's RUBBISH! Get some GOOD material because that's CRAP!" rar rar rar I rant on for a bit - against my better judgement, I add, as the bloke is really quite big and hard-looking.

Somewhat taken aback, the bloke initially appears to concede "Alright, mate, alright ..." and then the kicker "So, er ... do you fancy a fight?" he asks - almost coyly.

I look him up and down, "No!" I say, "You're about six foot three and built like a shit brickhouse; I'm five foot eleven and built like string! You'd KILL me!" What the fuck gives me the impression that being this shouty and aggressive to him is a good idea I don't know.

"Fair enough." says bloke, and returns to his pint and pondering.

Ten minutes later, he reaches into a pocket, and pulls out a quid.

"Here you go," says bloke, "I bet you a quid down that that bloke over there can't spell dyslexia."

Christ.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 11:53, 5 replies)

Cool story, bignose.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 12:54, closed)

ONE MORE TIME MATE,
I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE FUCKING CLEANERS!
(username failed moderation, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 13:02, closed)

I swear I'm gonna hit you SO HARD ... !

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 13:04, closed)

So ... could he?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 14 Mar 2013, 21:07, closed)

Yes.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 10:44, closed)