The horror... the horror...
1) Was out down a club with my ex, B, and a couple of mates, including one single mate. I had foolishly/drunkenly/idiotically *delete as applicable* agreed to help him score for the night. Found him a nice girl, but as he was really shy, I'd offered to introduce her to him. Swagger up to her, standing at the bar, full of drunken ambition, and start to talk. Or at least attempted to talk.

She had the perkiest pair of norks that I have ever had the fortune of seeing. And because this was a club, the dancefloor was vibrating, and so were her pneumatic tits. Added to this was the fact that she was wearing a string top, and my brain essentially stood no chance of resisting.

"Hey, my mate thinks you look fantastic, you have really great tits..."

I started to say, only to be stopped by her slapping me and walking off. Turning around to tell my mate that I fucked up, I instead got slapped again, this time by the missus for outright flirting directly in front of her.

I got no tits for a while after that.

2) I have used quite possibly one of the worst flirting techniques/chat up lines ever. Actually, scratch that, two of the worst chat up lines. Both were to my missus, before she started going out with me (whether through pity or the fact that she had worked her way through the guys in our school group before getting to me, I have no idea.)

The first, and less horrible one was when she had a boyfriend, and I didn't know at the time. I just flat-out stated "I'm really fucking horny, can I fuck you?". She said no and proceed to launch into how she had a boyfriend and was really committed, etc. So I then ask her if I can finger her, as "that's not really cheating.". Really fucking smooth. Smoother than James Bond. I get a slap for my troubles.

The worst chat up line I have ever used was the immortal "I can't cum any more, I think I'm having trouble down there. Could you wank me off please, just to check?". Again, this was to my future girlfriend, about a month before we started dating officially. This time she was single. I didn't get a slap this time, but I did get an offer to go to the doctors to check out my tackle. I hastily decline the offer, as my goolies are still working fine and I'd rather not have a random man stick his finger up my arse and handle my tackle unless he buys me dinner first.

I am still not sure how we got together after that.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Thu 18 Feb 2010, 18:30, Reply)