Saw a fogey brawl at a wake once...
...I was about 13 or 14 and had attended the funeral of a distant Great Uncle in his 80's whom I had met only once - when I was 6 months or so old...so naturally I remembered him not at all, and wasn't so bothered by the whole thing - just lining up behind my parents to mumble my condolences to dozens of people I'd never met but all of whom seemed to know me.

Travelled about 3hrs by car to the funeral - which was your bog-standard tacky churchy affair. Then everyone retreated down the road to his local bowls club where he was a life member & a vice president or a president of something or other - the beer was flowing freely, and then about an hour in there's all of a sudden an almighty ruckus from over in one corner. Next thing - fists are flying and chairs & tables are knocked over - and fuck me if there's not a bloody OAP all-in happening!

We left very shortly afterwards but apparently police were called to the club to send people on their way - and the story WAS - that the dead uncle's neighbour had turned up - himself a chap of quite advanced years - and actually had the gumption to ask the dead uncle's brother - at the bloody wake no less - would he mind terribly - to pay him back the $20 (About 12 quid) that the dead fella had borrowed off him a week or so before, as he had been a bit short until pension day. So - as you would - the dead fella's brother responded by telling said neighbour to flamingo off - and throwing the remnants of his beer over him - and it was ON!

The sight of a dozen or so septigenrians and octiginerians arthritically throwing slow motion haymakers at each other and lashing at each other with canes is something that will live with me to my own grave. Truly hilarious!!

...Unfortunately the several funerals I have attended since then have been thoroughly depressing affairs.

So I am considering entering a "Last man standing" clause into my own last will & testament - There's to be a makeshift boxing ring set up at my wake and all comers are welcome to step up and have a go - and settle some old deep-seated family issues with some good old-fashioned fisticuffs in the process! Last man standing gets 25% of whatever I leave behind.

I like to think of it as my own contribution - allbeit posthumously - to some good solid family counselling. You just can't buy that kind of therapy!...Although I think there just MAY be a market for this idea in the US. Somewhere. Probably down South.

But I thought of it first - so hands off you bastards!

Length - Squirm inducing. Girth - slightly rotunder than average. Mea Culpa - please forgive.
(Ecky Thump Mozzarella you eh?!, Fri 12 May 2006, 18:00, Reply)