Adieu, la belle France
So here I was, on the rear deck of a full cross channel ferry at 6pm on a February evening about to perform a degrading act that would at the very least earn me disgusted looks from the passing public, and at the worst, would leave me transferred to the kind and loving care of the Gendarmerie upon our docking in la belle Calais.

This is how it all happened...

~~~~~~wavy lines~~~~~~

It's 6th form at school. Young Mr Carrot is studying A-level German and is with several of his colleagues on his way to a town called Gelsenkirchen in Southeast Germany. As a result, we are shoved on a bus, sent down the country and over the sea. We'd started at 8am, and were due to arrive the same time the following morning.

There was a small issue with the ferry. It was called....a bar. Now as any of you who have previously sailed with the Pacific and Orient Ferry Company will know, the beer on their floating shitholes is basically overpriced piss that most camels will throw up. However, a supply of freshly minted Marks (which were accepted at the bar) were burning a hole in our pockets, so myself and a few friends bought some pints and sat up on deck. Why on deck? Well 2 reasons: 1, it was the only place we could smoke and 2, there was no fucking chance any of our teachers would come up here to check as it was blisteringly cold, and if we were disovered drinking we would be killed. To death.

So, the scene is set, the cold salty tang of the wind, the lukewarm Fosters, the sea spuming away beneath like a bathfull of jism...we were kings of the world (/Titanic.)

Unfortunately, and this is very unfortunate, we decided to play cards. The game of choice was Texas Hold 'em, so we settled down to play. We decided not to play with money, but with dares (for example, I'll see your "ask Mrs Smith if her breasts are real" and raise you a "waving my cock at a passing lorry on the Autoroute.") We had also agreed a specific dare - an "all in" if you will. This bet was only to be used in direst of circumstances, as it would see the game finished.

So I'm holding an ace of hearts and 7 of hearts in my hole cards and we all knock. Careful here Carrot, careful. The flop turns over an 8 of hearts, a 10 of hearts and an ace of spades. Ah. A pair. Right. I bet a stealing glasses off the school nerd. Graeme folds. Chris stays in. Dave stays in too.

The turn card is revealed. A nine of hearts. Aha! Well that's changed things a bit. Now Carrot, you could be onto something here, so be careful. I raise a mediocre flick of snot at the driver. Chris looks at me, and folds like a cheap whore. So it's me and Dave.

He sees me, and the river card goes down. Oh sweet juddering fuck. It's a six of hearts. A fucking six, and it means....oh yeah. I've got a straight flush.

OK Carrot, let's play this cool. Dave bluffs. You KNOW he bluffs. The best he can have is a flush and there's no WAY that can beat this. Let's be careful here.

"I'm going to put in a grope of Sandra Davies' breasts" (a low bet - she was teh slut).

Dave eyes me up "I see your grope and raise you a dirty sanchez administered by the winner."

Oh good God. This was serious. He couldn't win. He just fucking couldn't!

"I'm going all in. I bet...the unpleasantness."

"I see you" says Dave. Oh well, got to admire his guts...

I throw down my triumphant seven of hearts and get up to party, as well as prepare myself for the obscenity that Dave is about to have to perform.

And Dave turns over a Jack and Queen.








Ah.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 10 May 2009, 12:41, 3 replies)

The unpleasantness
damn it man, what is the unpleasantness?

"Click" held until then..................
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sun 10 May 2009, 13:00, closed)

The unpleasantness?
Well, are you sure you want to know?

Just let me say it involved a condom, a sachet of mayonnaise, my flacid knob, and about 30 passengers.

Mind you, that was the day I found my love of exhibitionism. It's an ill wind, etc. etc.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 10 May 2009, 13:27, closed)

ah ha
clickety click
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Sun 10 May 2009, 13:42, closed)