Fat birds! Fucking! Foursomes!
Many years ago, while young, fit and (more) attractive I went on a University trip with a group of other students. Niall and I decided to room together in the apartment booked by the Uni, being great mates and partners in crime.

Niall and I, I should mention, had some weeks before spent an entire week closeted in my living room, surrounded by booze etc, leaving only for toilet breaks and showers. It was a hard week. I should also clarify we were solely friends and no manlove was on the agenda.

Now, we were away for several nights and decided that we would be well advised to take a stash with us, as well as a stereo and other assorted luxuries. Particularly vodka.

One evening we decided to dodge our more focussed colleagues and go out for a night. We subsequently found the grimiest hard house club we could, and ate our stash, spending the night dancing and prancing and having enormous fun.

About 10 minutes from closing I volunteered to get the coats, leaving Niall with a friendly warning against pulling a fat bird. I said this jokily as, after all, we were sharing a room and there had been no hint of ogling during the night.

At this juncture it is appropriate to mention that Niall had a taste for the, erm, larger lady (size 20+). Suffice to say, when I returned he had a bloater in tow. Doom. To compound the situation, she had brought a friend for me. More Doom.

These girls, as well as being (in my view) physically unappealing, were also rough as you like, coming from one of the rougher council estates in the area and in the taxi back were loudly debating "oo'd fucked the most blurks".

Niall rubbed his hands with glee at pulling a dirty bloater. I was polite, but inwardly terribly distressed.

We arrived back at the room, and Niall and his girl displayed an impressive abandon, having a good passionate snog and grope while I adjusted the stereo, made tea and made polite conversation with the girl nominated for me, who was beginning to regard me with that look you see on the face of a hungry lion when faced with a defenceless child.

My avoidance techniques didn't work, and as Niall and his partner began to remove clothes and get down to business it was impossible to dodge having a snog, all the while trying to remain aloof and uninterested.

Then it happened. Niall noticed I wasn't terribly keen on the girl I had been lumbered with. He made an inappropriate joke, and left me trying desperately for a clever and witty comment that wouldn't a) ruin his shag or b) leave me looking stupid.

I was saved, however, by his partner. Clearly believing herself to be stunning, and irresistable bait. she chimed in with a loud "Oo's up forra foursome?"

My squeak of horror was matched only by Niall's squeak of excitement. "Come on mate, let's go for it!" he said. "Eeeerrrrrrrr", I replied, eloquently. "Come on, it's not that I want to see your cock, but how often do you get offered a foursome with two birds! Look, I'll tell people yours was fit if they ask!"

And that, I'm afraid to say, did it. Off came the clothes and on I hopped. Away we went, and four hours later I felt dirty, used, regretful yet quite proud to have had a foursome. In a dirty kind of way.

We sneaked them out about 6.30am and retired to bed, thrilled to have achieved the perfect crime.

Or not.

The next morning the others in the apartment gave us a round of applause, mixed with catcalls and abuse. The supervising lecturer had a smile on his face and asked how the evening had been, along with a rebuke for not seeing the group that night, before adding "Mind you, it seems that you found yourself something else to do".

Sadly, we hadn't realised how noisy we were when discussing what we'd do, or how noisy we were while doing what we did.

Still, we had a foursome!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 31 Aug 2007, 14:15, Reply)