I gave my teacher a nervous breakdown
When I was at secondary school, a well 'ard London comprehensive, there was a mad old bat who taught art. We called her Mrs Gravedigger, because that's what her real name sounded a bit like. She really was completely mental. She used to speak to everybody as if they were two years old, praising us as "Good children!" even though the school was populated by the sort of oiks who'd pull a knife on you for breathing. She also hated boys and consistently based marks not on quality of work but on gender - in the year I had her for art, not one girl ever got below a C and not one boy ever got above a C. She used to swan around the art department in floaty tunics and crazy jewellery spouting random bollocks about "naughty boys". In fact, come to think of it, she could have been the inspiration for Professor Trelawney.

Anyway, the one time I ever saw Mrs Gravedigger outside of the art department was the time she covered a maths lesson when our teacher was sick in Year 9. At my school, there were a lot of foreign kids with funny names and so when a teacher took an unfamiliar class, the usual procedure was that instead of taking the register out loud and embarrassing all concerned, they would send round a sheet of paper on which we would all sign our names.

So since it was Mrs Gravedigger, and since she was on another planet anyway, we all wrote down our own names plus one more.

The list came back to her. We waited.

She counted the heads in the class. She counted the names on the list.

She looked very confused. And did another head count.

She stood at the front of the class and scratched her head.

"That's funny... Twenty-four children in the class..." Another head count, "...Forty-eight names on the list..."

A few giggles broke out.

"Calvin? Is Calvin Klein in this class?"

Some bright spark pulled himself together enough to say, "He's just gone to the toilet, Miss!"

"Mickey Mouse?"

We couldn't contain ourselves any longer. The entire class exploded into hysterics and Mrs Gravedigger, very upset and confused, ran out of the classroom to fetch the head of maths, who after taking one look at the list gently led her away.

We never saw her again. Word on the street was that she'd had a complete breakdown and been sectioned.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 5 Sep 2007, 15:10, Reply)