Tree fellers from Cork
Back in the early 90's I worked on a tree gang in Milton Keynes (nowhere near Cork, I know, but I couldnt resist using an old Two Ronnies line!). The gang consisted of Nick the Foreman, myself & Stuart the chainsaw operators & tractor drivers and a very green 16 year old lad called Roy on his first proper job since leaving school.

Basically, we would spend all day out in the woods thinning out the young plantations. When working out in the woods, there tends to be a general lack of the basic facilities enjoyed in most workplaces, to wit, a khazi. This is fine if all you need is a number 1, but a number 2 presents a whole new set of difficulties.

Now the earthy country types amongst you might not have a problem with taking a dump outside. You simply find a quiet spot, dig a hole, do your business in it, then bury it. Simple. I find it quite an enjoyable experience, providing I can find somewhere where I know I wont be disturbed by a dog walker, which, trust me, is embarrassing for all concerned. Roy was a city boy, and the whole concept of crapping anywhere other than a porcelain bowl was completely alien to him. He found it utterly disgusting that one of us would occasionally wander off with a spade under one arm and a bog roll under the other, and would always say things like "I could never do that" and "Id hold in in until I got home, no matter what".

And so the wind up began...

We began returning from our 'missions' carrying a plastic bag containing some soil or a short thick stick, which we would then hold up to Roy and announce to him that it was "my shit", and that we were going to take it home to flush it down the lavvy. "Of course we dont crap in the woods Roy, thats disgusting, thats what Gyppos do". We would then stash the bag in one of the tractors ready to take home (and just tip it out somewhere later).

This went on for months, but we knew that eventually he would, ahem, crack.

Then one glorious day, it happened. Roy announced to us that he could hold it in no longer and he had to go off for a shit. So off he went with his Tesco's carrier bag and his bog roll under his arm and we waited.

He was gone for AGES! I mean like about 45 minutes. We'd got bored of sitting around just waiting so had resumed work again when he eventually emerged carrying what looked like a weeks shopping! Fuck me I dont think Ive ever laughed so much in my life! Nick fell to the floor and just thumped the gound in hysterics, sort of cartoon style. Stuart was half way up a tree at the time doing some pruning, and the whole tree was shaking with his laughter.

The best bit was that Roy later said that the hardest part was getting his legs through the handles of the carrier bag!!! (Oh the mental image!)

Within a week, even his mum was calling him "Baggy"!

He now runs a successful tree surgery business of his own. Good on ya Roy.
(Lionel Tiger, Sat 23 Aug 2008, 11:52, 1 reply)

getting his legs through the bag handles?
hahahahahahahahahahaha! what a tit!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 23 Aug 2008, 13:52, closed)