Balaclavas
Not me, but a very dear friend of mine, who we'll accurately call John.

Now while the rest of my friends and I had gallivanted off to uni to be drunken, workshy layabouts, John was stuck at home, working full time in some soul destroying job to earn money for a gap year. At some point in the year I found myself back home for a couple a weeks, so took it upon myself to drive John up to visit our friend Tim at a nearby uni, to show him what he'd been missing.

We arrived, found Tim and set about drinking as much pissy cheap lager as our litle livers could handle (lots, for us hardened student types, somewhat less for John). As is often the case in first year at uni, Tim had friends coming out of his arse (proverbially, thankfully), and we were swiftly introduced to what seemed like everyone in his halls. Names exchanged and swiftly forgotten, we settled down in his room and continued to drink the day away.

Now, John is prone to the occasional foot in mouth moment (he once responded to the ubiquitous "I fucked your mum" gag with an indignant and now legendary "Yeah ditto!") and is somewhat easily led, so we decided to take advantage of this, his increasing drunkenness and the amount of people we'd been introduced and play a prank on our old pal.

While he was in the toilet, I put on Tim's jumper and a balaclava that was handily and inexplicably strewn on the floor and, never dreaming that it would work, we decided that I, in my new garb, would be introduced to John as another friend of Tim's, Jeff. John returns to what is clearly the sight of me, his close friend for countless years, sitting in exactly the same place, drinking the same beer, wearing a jumper far too small for me and a balaclava. Quoth Tim, "John this is Jeff", I extend my hand and John...DOESN'T BAT A FUCKING EYELID! He simply shakes my hand with a cordial "Alright Jeff, good to meet you" and sits down.

Cue me, Tim and Tim's mates nearly damaging ourselves trying not to laugh, and John probably wondering why Tim's friend Jeff has taken to wearing a balaclava, indoors, on a warm day, and why he now appears to be having some sort of muscular spasm.

Just when we, pissed up and easily amused students, think things can't get any better John glances around with a look of deep confusion of his face and queries, "Hey, where's Jabberwocky?"

I nearly shat a kidney.
(jabberwocky, Sun 24 Aug 2008, 21:12, Reply)