MBE
As a youngling I was an altar boy.

You should have seen sweet little me, in all my garb, learning all the rituals.

Such a shame that I went off the rails so badly before I turned back into the reasonably well adjusted individual I am today.

Let me take you back to the fateful day it all started to unwind.

Temptation was put in my way when I stumbled across the childrens fund. I don’t know what possessed me, but I took money from it. I left the change, thinking the jingling noise would be a dead give away, but had the notes stuffed inside my cumberbund.

Of course I didn’t get away with it and was booted out.

And so began my long spiral towards hell.

To be fair to my parents, they have tried to help out down the years when they have seen me spinning off the straight and narrow. My Dad, much mentioned in these pages actually, gave me a part time job at his carpet shop.

I tried to take it seriously, and there were perks at least, the lonely housewives I got to lay when it was their lino I should have been laying were a bonus for a start.

But even that got too much for me and I needed to get away, so one day I just loaded all of one woman’s furniture into a van while she was away and auctioned off the lot.

So, yup, hellbound. 10 commandments, seven deadly sins, I can tick a lot off those lists.

I’m a glutton and proud of it. I get angry, (who doesn’t?). I am greedy. The only thing I am not is lazy, and that’s just because I am too busy to be slothful.

I guess it will come as no surprise to you to find that someone like me spent some time wanting to be a lawyer. I’ve mentioned my time at Uni, but I don’t think I ever specified that I actually went to law school, did I?

I was advised to leave my course because my answer to everything was ‘oh, plead insanity’.

I drifted around after that to be honest, god I have had some strange jobs.

You know the adverts you see on the sports pages of the tabloids? Where some ex-cricketer like Graham Gooch or Shane Warne is schilling themselves around proclaiming the latest in miracle hair replacement? I even ended up working for one of those companies for a while. Not many people can say that.


Not that I am complaining, those companies are loaded. They paid me so much that in the end I could afford to quite and fuck off to Monte Carlo and just arse about playing baccarat and sleeping with call girls.

Although that did lead to another weird moment I have to say, I was getting a bit bored and after one particular girl fell asleep…god, I don’t know how I got away with this…I nicked her wig and passport.

After that I figured it was time to move on, so I headed off to Australia. Now, there was a time…I know it’s bad to say, but the aborigines are so badly treated down there and I know an opportunity when I see one. It was so easy to set up and employment agency for them, they felt looked after and safe and secure.

And it was hardly my fault they didn’t read the small print that allowed me to take my fees directly from their wages, was it?

OK, so I left them in poverty, but hey, that’s how I found them too.

Made enough money that time to get a first class ticket out of there. Sri Lanka took my fancy, so that’s where I ended up.

And that, really, is that.

I behave myself far better these days, my dirty deals are behind me.

Apologies for length?

Nah, fuck it. I’ll see you in the next life, wake me up for meals.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:02, 5 replies)

I
can't help but think is this a reference to a film or book?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 15:16, closed)

Warren Zevon
He's an acquired taste, but I'm glad I'm not the only fan around.

Good lad - have a clicky off me.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 20:57, closed)

Poor Warren
He probably did go to hell and he's probably enjoying it there.

I'm at work so I can't check but what's the song where he sends his missus out to buy some more crack, she does'nt come back but he does'nt want to go out and find her because it's raining?
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:40, closed)

'tis
Angel Dressed In Black
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 12 Dec 2008, 10:22, closed)

Utter class.
Click.

Can we have Lawyers, Guns and Money next, please?
(groover j lazerus, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 22:32, closed)