b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » I'm going to Hell... » Post 331441 | Search
This is a question I'm going to Hell...

...because I said the Lord's Prayer backwards at a funeral to summon up the Goat of Mendes, Freddie Woo tells us. Tell us why you're doomed.

Thanks to Kaol for the suggestion

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:09)
Pages: Latest, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, ... 1

« Go Back

Just remembered this...
I was waiting in Cambs to get on the train down to London, with my mother. I was about 21 at the time. Just as the train arrived, this little old-ish lady (probably mid-60s) tried to barge in front of us, and then gave us evils when we held our ground and refused to let her force her way onto the train before us.

Anyway, she sat down near us in the (otherwise completely empty) carriage, and stared at us, all the while muttering under her breath (I've no idea what about, but am guessing it concerned the lack of moral fibre and politeness of young people these days, they've got no respect, oooh my hip's playing up again, look at her, sitting there all young and carefree, what's the world coming to).

This pissed my mother and I off, so I randomly started swearing ("fuck! cunt! shitty spunkbung!"), and twitching. The woman stopped looking narked, and started looking slightly worried.
My mother, bless her, played along, leaning forward with a look of concern and saying "oh dear, is it playing up again? Did you take your medication? Shall I call the police?
At this, the woman abruptly stood up and left, casting fearsome glances over her shoulder at me.

I'm not going to hell for impersonating a mentalist, but for the warm self-righteous glow it gave me to see her looking so scared of me.

(Please excuse spelling mistakes. Been for long and boozy lunch, yay!)
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:19, 12 replies)
Bonus clickage for "shitty spunkbung".

For those who haven't met The Empress, she is the owner of a extremely refined and operatic voice.

Must have been hilarious to be a fly on the wall.
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:26, closed)
hah, thanks!
Although when you describe my voice as "refined and operatic", I have a sudden image of myself sounding like Lady Bracknell from the Importance of Being Ernest. Or General Melchett.
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:28, closed)
General Melchett!
You lack the deep tones and Edwardian moustache for that I think!

*runs off to watch Blackadder*
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 17:49, closed)
Did a similar thing on a plane recently
As I was chucking me bag into the overhead compartment, a bedraggled harridan said,


"Excuse me?", I said.

"There are breakables in there"

"OK", says I.

Now, if she had 1 - asked me to be careful in an any way polite manner, revenge might not have been necessary but she didn't. She used a peremptory tone of voice and demanded I be careful.

or 2 - placed her breakables in a sensible manner in the overhead compartment where they would be clearly seen and remarked upon as fragile (instead of strewn about), I wouldn't have acted thus:

When we sat down directly behind her, I said, sufficiently audibly to my travel companion,

"Make sure you have a sickbag there and try not to projectile vomit it like you did last time".


That poor woman eventually changed seat.

I won.

(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:28, closed)
Serves her right. If only people could take the time to add two small but very significant words before they say anything: "excuse me".

"Excuse me, can I get on the train first?". "Excuse me, there are delicate goods in the overhead locker".
The world would be a nicer place all round methinks.
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:31, closed)
Colleague of mine tells me I'm the most sincere and polite person he has ever met.

Me Mammy raised me proper :)
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:32, closed)
yay for your mammy!
yay for mine!

I'm goign to bring my children up to know that some of the most important words they'll ever learn are "please" and "thankyou".
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:34, closed)
and that revenge is a dish best served cold.
Never fight, never argue - just win.
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:36, closed)
is a good slogan to live by.
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:42, closed)
im sigging it
Self-quoting - the masturbation of sig writing.
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 15:43, closed)
the most important words my children will ever learn
will be 'can i get you a beer, daddy?'
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 17:12, closed)
mwah haa!
Your Mum sounds ace!

What would teacher say?
(, Wed 17 Dec 2008, 16:49, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Latest, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, ... 1