phlegm
my younger sister used to run errands for an old man who lived locally. none of his family lived close to him, so he relied heavily on neighbours and friends for help.
one day, she asked me to give her a hand to move his bed downstairs as he was finding it harder and harder to climb the stairs at night. i agreed to help, so off we went.
his house smelled like old people, as you'd imagine. that weird biscuity smell, tinged with stale piss and tobacco.
as we moved his bed, he sat on a chair and smoked woodbines constantly. i noticed that, when he put one out in the ashtray, it'd hiss. i assumed that, for safety's sake, he'd put water in the bottom of the ashtray. a closer look showed me how wrong i was.
his ashtray was half-full of lung butter, with fag stumps poking out of it.
fuck, i feel sick just typing this.
i pulled my sister to one side and asked her about the ashtray. "oh, he's probably topped it up from one of his jars," she said. yes, he actually had jars of his old phlegm stored in the kitchen cupboard.
that was enough for me. much as i felt sorry for that old man being all alone, i just couldn't bring myself to go back there again.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 3 May 2012, 15:17, 8 replies)

Fuuuuck.
That's made me dry heave. Click! :)
( Evil Bastardo, Thu 3 May 2012, 16:39, closed)

trust me
being there was much worse >.<
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 4 May 2012, 12:15, closed)

Oh Dear God ......
That's one of the few stories on b3ta that's made wonder if I'm going to see my lunch again....
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 3 May 2012, 17:14, closed)

He has a thriving export business
Selling those jars of marshmallow fluff that Merkins buy by the crate
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 3 May 2012, 17:24, closed)

aaaaannnnndd
there goes my appetite
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 4 May 2012, 12:15, closed)

There's not much that makes me boik
but that did. uuuuurp.
( Fronds are waving gently on, Thu 3 May 2012, 20:55, closed)

My nan had a few giant brown sake bottles in her garden
I looked more closely at one. It had some white crusty near the top, slime, and ooze on the inside.

She cackled that it was slug soup, and took a pair of chopsticks, fished around in her orchids, and pulled out a slug and popped it into the bottle.

The bottle was nearly liquified slugs, slowly burning to death in the salt.

You have described something worse than my Nan's bottle of slug soup, so I must click.
( kila is reading clocks upside-down as usual, Sat 5 May 2012, 21:59, closed)

i think it's more of a no-score draw
*boke*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 6 May 2012, 16:24, closed)