Nurses
Many moons ago I used to take groups of nurses away for the weekend camping and rock-climbing. It was a scam arranged by a mate of mine, the only straight male nurse that I knew, to get groups of fit young lasses out in the countryside where we could ply them with alcohol in the hope of getting our wicked way. (It generally worked but that's another story...)

Anyway, this one weekend a chap called Simon, a visual aids technician from one of the hospitals was coming along and he was getting really excited.

"I'm gonna get a shag this weekend" he burbled happily."Even I can't fail to score with this many women about!"

After a while his enthusiastic babbling started to get on my nerves so a plan was hatched. We left for North Wales on the Friday afternoon and camped on a farm in a field full of sheep conveniently next to a country pub. Got the tents up by 8 and headed for the boozer. Simon was still whispering to me and Bill about which nurses he thought he had a chance with and was frankly getting on my tits. So we had several pints, chatting about the climbs we were going to do the next day. I was cosying up to a sweet little blonde - Bill was with his then girlfriend and it looked like being a good night apart from Simon. After a couple of hours me and Bill slipped away for a while. Simon wanted to score did he? Then we'd have to help him.

We went back to the campsite, slightly pissed and then tried to catch a sheep. Ever tried to chase one of these fuckers down in the dark? They're faster than they look. We were running round this bloody field like demented sheepdogs on speed after these woolly little bastards and eventually Bill brought one down with a spectacular rugby tackle while the sheep was in mid-air. We wrestled it back up the field and into Simons tent. He'd be so pleased to find a young willing female in his tent when he got back. Job done, we repaired to the pub for more beer after our exertions.

About midnight, we all left the pub and headed back to the campsite. We watched eagerly as Simon crawled to the front of his tent and pulled the zip down.

Now here our cunning plan went a bit astray. The enraged sheep shot out of the tent like a woolly bullet and cannoned into Simons face. Crack! He was sparked out. He fell over backwards with blood streaming from his nose while everyone collapsed in fits of laughter. good job we had some nurses on hand. When they stopped giggling they patched Simon up by the campfire and eventually he went back to his tent again muttering darkly. This is where the second shock awaited him.

What we hadn't taken into account was that a sheep, when frightened, tended to shit and piss everywhere. So Simons tent, clothes and sleeping bag were covered in sheep-shit and strongly smelling piss.

He never did score that weekend!

I remain, as usual
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Apr 2005, 12:18, Reply)