Things some people will do for £9. (Apologies for length in advance).
When I was 17, me and a large group of friends, both male and female, enjoyed a sunny break in Newquay. Being the first holiday many of us had enjoyed without the parents, the beer was flowing to excess and the behaviour was getting quite silly.

For some reason not known to this day, the girls had decided to sculpt a carrot into a phallus and hide it in our caravan. We found it, had a laugh and there it sat on the dining room table.
After dinner and a few more beers, my mate Dave picks up the dildoesque carrot and decides to ask the now timelessly funny question: "Richard, I bet you wouldn't stick this up your arse for money?"
Now, what you need to understand is that Richard never backs down from a challange, no matter how stupid. It became a game to push the limits and dare him into doing silly stuff. However, none of us expected him to take up this one!

"How much money?" he asked.

After a quick fumble in pockets for loose change, we manage to raise the grand sum of 9 pounds sterling. Being sure that he won't stick a carrot up his arse for just £9 we put our cash on the table.

It was at this part my laughter started to turn to apprehension. "Close the curtains" Richard ordered.

Then, our mate Steve takes on the role of referee, just to check the challange is done correctlly and the £9 is earnt fair and square. He does this by marking on the carrot a line which it has to be inserted to!! (WTF?)

The events that unfolded next were watched through gaps in my fingers. After a first failed attempt, Richard decides that the carrot needed some lube and rubbed it with water. This suggested to me and Dave that he had done this before. As Dave and I sat there, hunched double in disbelife; Rich bent over for a second attempt.

Steve was now kneeled down beside Richard, shouting words of encouragement like "Your almost at the line!, Keep pushing!, You dirty bastard!" He then asked Dave and I to witness that the carrot had indeed reached the line, a quick disguested glance proved it had.

The £9 was handed over. Later that evening, while clubbing; Rich was well chuffed that he had an extra £9 to spend on pisswater beer. I on the other hand was just glad that I didn't ever have to stick things up my arse for beer money.

He regrets his actions now, as we all take pride in mentioning it every time we see him. I'm looking forward to the day I can tell this story at his wedding reception.

Next week, all of the original group are going to visit Steve who now lives in Berlin. I'm sure this story will be mentioned more than once...
(Raoul Moat's New Fishing Rod, Fri 22 Apr 2005, 11:52, Reply)