B
i remember when i firt met B. within 5 minutes, she'd told me that her father had molested her as a child. not something i really needed to know, but she seemed pleasant enough, despite her obvious insanity. when she introduced me to her partner K, it was hate at first sight. this bellwhiff would pick his nose in front of you, then extend the same hand and try to shake yours with it. classy he was not.
i realised how universally hated he was when i attended their engagement party. apart from their insurance rep, i was the only person to show up.
when they married, K decided he was disabled and couldn't leave the house. then again, neither could B without his permission. if she took more than an hour with the shopping, he'd phone the police and report her missing. it wasn't long before she'd had enough and finally left him.
at this time, my parents were on holiday, so i invited her to stay with us. now, it might not have bothered her that her toenails resembled charred cashew nuts, but waking up to find those trotter decorations in my face was not a good start to the day.
on the fourth day, my sister and i told B that she would have to shower if she wanted to stay. we trawled our wardrobes to find her some clean clothes and underwear, before throwing her knickers into the bin.
on the sixth day, my parents arrived home. as soon as my mum caught a whiff of B, her days as a houseguest were not just numbered, but over. she was ordered to leave immediately.
2 hours later, i received a phonecall from my mate D. it seems B was now staying with her. B knew which street D lived on, but not her house number, so had walked up and down the street, wailing with increasing volume, until D came out of her house to investigate.
she stayed with D for 2 weeks before D had had enough of her. D later told me that B had refused to wash even once and, despite getting some money, continued to wear the clothes my sister and i had given her for the entire fortnight, not even letting D wash them.
last i heard, she'd shacked up with a bus driver. to him i say good luck, you'll need it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 20:25, Reply)