Pasta, peas, eggs and BDSM
As an undergrad I shared a massive Victorian house in Turnpike Lane. The house itself was a bit, er, Young Ones. I mean, it hadn't ever been the Ritz, but generations of cleaning-phobic students had left a certain level of indelible grimness. Foxes frolicked amongst a bramble jungle in the garden, frogs occupied the downstairs toilet, slugs found their way into the kitchen, spiders infiltrated from the cellar, and the mouse population was so well established that we often found ourselves throwing bits of Ginster's pasty on to the carpet to watch the little critters come and get it.

The occupants of said house were far from normal but harmless enough: I think the worst offender was vegetarian Tim, who ate nothing but pasta, peas and eggs, all boiled together in a large pan. He habitually chewed with his mouth open and wiped his snot all over his armchair. It was hard to eat anything in the same room as Tim and no one sat in that chair but him, but this said, we all rubbed along ok.

But I guess you can never be sure about their friends, can you? Once, in the middle of the night the doorbell rang and a complete stranger with drunk blonde in tow introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Norris!" he exclaimed like a celebrity, like that should mean something to us. Apparently he was a friend of one of our housemates, and told us that "Tom said he could use his room". A bit suspiciously, we let this guy in, and him and this bint climbed the stairs to Tom's room, volubly complaining about how horrible the house was.

About 4am, we were awoken by loud and disturbing sex. I mean, impossible to ignore. During one of the many climaxes of the night, the woman shouted: 'Hurt me! Hurt me! Come on my face!"

Bitter after a night of no sleep, the next morning I crept downstairs and meticulously wrote: "Hi, I'm Norris! I fuck loudly and ruin everyone's sleep!" in fridge magnets.

The worst part was, I don't think Tom really knew why Norris wanted his room, but evidence remained: upon returning to his room, he discovered that his computer keyboard was sticky and no longer worked.
(Dr Wee is rummaging through the spare kidneys on, Fri 6 Apr 2007, 12:37, Reply)