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This is a question Apparently I'm a sex offender

I was once paid £15 to count the amount of people visiting a hairdresser. I stood outside for 3 hours with a clicky counter in my pocket, pressing it every time a person entered. Suddenly there's a copper in front of me, I turn and there's another behind. "What are you up to sunshine?" "A rival hairdresser wants to count the competition" "Well, there's been a call from the shop owner that there's a ginger bloke standing outside fiddling with his cock." Have you ever done anything that made strangers think you were a pervert?

(, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:20)
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The nonce sense that never was
Earlier this year when Eurovision was going on, and you lovely Brits were sending that creepy bastard Daz Sampson with his schoolgirls and Ian Huntley features to represent you, I had the perfect idea for a spoof. I rewrote the lyrics to contain many noncey references, chronicle Daz's many failed attempts at pulling children, and even a sly b3ta reference.

Of course, as I was working out a cover of the tune on my old MIDI keyboard, the damn thing chose that moment to die a cheap electronic death. Undaunted, I moved on to recording my vocal track. After a bit of practice, I got a pretty good impression down, and began rapping into my computer.. this being in the US, where nobody apart from the local b3tans know anything about Sampson, his video, or Eurovision.

So, there I was with my studio headphones on, enthusiastically rapping to a half-done backing track in a Manchester accent about failing to pull little girls. It wasn't until I was interrupted by my visiting sister walking into the room and pulling my headphones off me that I learned the best take of my rapping was interrupted throughout by timid knocks on my window and her confused voice asking "Rob? Did you just shout what I think you did?"

For some reason, my stuttering explanation which went something like "well you see there's this guy in the UK, who looks like a child molester, a real child molester named Ian Huntley except it's not really him, and they're sending him to this big European song contest, and there are these schoolgirls dancing.. um, let me show you the video! It's awful!!" wasn't met with quite the level of understanding and shared laughter I would have liked. More of a terrified head-shaking and slowly backing away sort of thing...

I ended up putting the half-finished project aside in favor of some other stuff, and eventually replaced the keyboard. Unfortunately, by that time Eurovision had been and gone, that crazy-eyed freak presumably retreated back into his plastic mac, and there's nothing sadder than spoofing something that's horribly old news, so I deleted the unfinished audio. Still, if anyone else with a musical itch to scratch wants to have a go, contact me and I'll send you my lyrics to do with as you please, and you can also have the password to the musician's MySpace account I created for it in a moment of particularly poor judgment.

Apologies for texture.
(, Sat 19 Aug 2006, 2:59, Reply)

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