Accidental innuendo in your face
I suppose my Gran (who’s still alive bless her), managed to deliver the best and most inappropriate piece of accidental innuendo during Sunday lunch one time she came to visit. This occasion also happened to coincide with a visit from my girlfriend who was trying out ‘the whole getting to know the family’ thing.

We were in the middle of eating a roast chicken and Gran was talking to my girlfriend and she was bemoaning the fact that she couldn’t get proper chicken from her butcher’s anymore as the supplying farm had started to sell it elsewhere.

This led to the immortal…

“That butcher down the road from me can’t give any of his sweet tasting cock meat to me anymore as he just can’t get enough of it for all his customers. I bet you’d love a bit of that cock meat if I could wangle some from him.”

As this was delivered in a deaf Gran-type way (i.e. 120dB) it stopped everyone eating and my family’s faces all looked like they had been carved from petrified wood.

My poor girlfriend muttered an affirmative assent.

I had to resort to snorting my own septum into my sinus cavity to prevent a laughing haemorrhage.

Poor old Gran then started squinting around and asked why everyone else had stopped talking.

We never had the heart to tell her.

Also,

I won’t go into the ordeal of me attempting to swallow 3 of my fingers to stop myself expiring when my parents took my younger cousins to the zoo recently and my mum cooed “hello there goaty red bum” to the red, swollen, distended back end of a goat.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 12 Jun 2008, 14:59, Reply)