Ahem... well if you really must;
To her Vajesty Queen Horribly Inbred the Umpteenth:

Dear Head Limey,

Your recent communiqué in re: revocation of independence has been received by our State Department, and it falls to me to respond in kind. Over the years we have consistently been forced to clean up every bloody mess your nation has made of international politics. It is often us who ends up holding the bag for your mistakes. Were it not for your constant jolly-good cheerio can-do incompetence, coupled with a rapacious greed on the part of your family for a stretch of land on which the sun never sets, our nation would actually be able to promote democracy and equality throughout the world.



In light of this, we have decided to outline our own dictates to you and yours:

1) You will cease, in all further communications with us, in referring to your people as “citizens”. There is no such thing as a British “citizen”, only subjects. Citizens live in republics, subjects live in monarchies. Calling it something nice doesn’t make it nice.
2) You will be forcibly introduced to something we call “dentistry”. It is a few steps above the bleeding and leechcraft practiced by your chirurgeons, so we will be parachuting “dentists” ( they who practice the craft of “dentistry”) in the thousands to your location. These men and women (also referred to as “hygienists” from the American colloquial term “hygiene”) stand ready for the order.
3) Health Codes will not be treated as polite suggestions in future. Violators will be hung, castrated, and drawn and quartered in good olde English style.
4) You will be required to refer to your nation as “Oceania” until conditions indicate otherwise.
5) You will no longer be permitted to use the pound, instead the Indian rupee shall be your currency. We realize that this will only make things easier for the majority of your population, and it is already inevitable, but really, we have the upper hand, and we’d like to turn the screw a bit.
6) Your three remaining naval vessels, the HMS Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, the HMS Cucumber Sandwich, and the HMS Prince-of-Buggerall shall be returned to the scrap heap from whence they came and sold to the Pakistanis. This will also apply to your remaining Main Battle Tank.
7) You shall cease the addition of unnecessary letters to words. The “U” in words like “color” is a hold-over from the constant drubbings your people used to receive at the hands of the French. You know, the French, the frogs ha-ha-ha… why you would continue this practice is unknown to our department – but we surmise that is because you have kept your people ignorant of their own history. You certainly may continue this enforced ignorance (see rule 4) but the spelling will change.
8) Ron Weasly WILL be your king, but WE will be your daddy.
9) We will cease, as of July 15th 2008, to speak English, as it is the language of fork-tongued palefaces. We will instead speak Navajo in the Southwest, Inuit or Sioux in the Northwest, Iroquois in the Northeast, and Cherokee in the Southeast. All correspondence will be addressed to us in all of these languages, every time.
10) We’re with you on the beer thing, so no problem there.
11) All of your subjects will be issued, upon our arrival, their choice of one from the following list: AK-47 or Chinese variant, Barrett® Light .50, or SVD Dragunov sniper rifle. They may also choose two handguns, of any caliber, finish or capacity. They will receive 200 rounds for each weapon. Grenade launchers and similar small artillery will require a hunting license. Hide.
12) We’ve decided we like Iran better than we like you. Therefore, all of your fissile material and reactors shall be dismantled for shipment to the Islamic Republic. We feel they can make better use of it, and seeing as how you have pumped almost all their oil out, we think it’s a fair trade.
13) Henceforth, you and your representatives (“Beadles”, “Bobbies” and the like) shall not arrest, detain, charge or imprison those of your subjects noble enough to defend themselves or others from the sub-race of feral humans known as “chavs”. Your egregiously incompetent mismanagement, of a social structure that you yourself perpetuate, has engendered and fostered the environment in which these “chavs” are immune even from a decent ass-kicking. This will cease forthwith. Furthermore, a “chav” brought in by your “bobbies” for the slightest infraction shall have his or her organs immediately harvested for sale. These proceeds shall go to putting farking air conditioning in your public places, for Christ’s sake.
14) You shall be compelled to put your signature on a Declaration of Dependence, which shall force you to admit the only reason your head still has a crown and isn’t being fought over by dogs somewhere is due primarily to our misguided attempts to maintain our relationship with you.
15) Cricket is gay – it appears to have been designed by Oscar Wilde. Furthermore, the mutants that we allow to entertain us with football would likely eat your so-called “football” players during chemically induced hallucinatory episodes. Artfully dancing around a field for an hour and a half is not sport. It is ballet. The only sport allowed in Oceania henceforth will resemble Cricket; but only in that the bats will be continue to be used in what will be delightfully referred to in the sporting world as the “English People Sneaking Up On and Beating the Shit Out of Each Other” League.

These are not suggestions, they are what will happen. Our citizens are eager to see Europe again, and their experience dealing with the Islamic parts of the world should come in handy when we pay what remains of your country a visit.

Cheers, and all that rot,
Condoleezza Rice,
Sec'y of State.


/hides
(aeon chicken Like the Millenium Falcon, only slower and noisier, Fri 13 Jun 2008, 21:53, Reply)