quite a few actually...
Ok, so where do I start?

Let's work backwards chronologically.

Recently a colleague of mine came into work wearing a smashing brown turtle neck jumper. A few comments were made, but I can hold my head high for pulling off what has become my most favourite innuendo ever.
A transcript:
LM: "That's a nice turtle neck Bill"
BILL: "Thanks LM"
LM: "Weird how they're called turtle necks isn't it?"
BILL: (suspicious) "Yeessss"
LM: (all wide eyed innocence) "So... if that's the turtle's neck, then your head is the turtle's head? Just poking out?"
BILL: (loudly and completely oblivious) "YES! I have a turtle's head poking out!"

He still doesn't know what he said.

And same guy, a few weeks earlier...

BILL: "So, LM, you're 30 this year, yeah?"
LM: "Yep"
BILL: "Are you gonna have a big bash?"
LM: (incredulous in the hope that Bill will understand my mock shock at being asked about my 'having a bash')"Erm, that's a bit personal Bill."
BILL: "Why? Are you gonna have a bash or not?"
LM: "I don't know, it's still a couple of months off, and I don't plan my bashing that far in advance"
BILL: "Can I come?"
LM: ...well, at this point I couldn't continue. Again, he was completely unaware that he had been asking if he could 'come' to my 30th Birthday wank...on second thoughts, maybe this one was just in my head...

A while back I was dining at a terrible restaurant with some friends. We were drunk and loud, but our waitress was blonde, nice and pretty, but a little slow in keeping our drinks topped up... At one point we could see the two jugs of beer we had ordered sitting in front of her while she chatted to the barman. So I piped up with;

"Excuse me! Can you please bring your jugs over here?!"

Or there's always the hilarity of my old office, where we received some tailor made uniforms for costmetic staff. They were black nurses uniforms with the relevant logo's embroidered (Londoners may recognise the brand).

Anyway, I'm a six foot tall and quite lanky bloke, so I buttoned up the size ten and wandered around the office getting a few laughs and comments like "Thank god you've got trousers on underneath", etc. At this point my boss wanted in on the action, and grabbed a size 10 herself.

Now she's not a chubby girl, but she is a bit of an amazon. Nearly six foot, and basically in proportion.

So she buttons up the size 10, with some effort. There was a fair bit of strain on the buttons, and the gaps between then were doing that thing where they short of stretch open under the strain. My boss notices this and quietly proclaims:

"I've got a bit of a gaping flap issue."

That'll do for now.
(lessmiserable, Mon 16 Jun 2008, 4:38, Reply)