Student SOH Failure
In one of my incarnations I was a student at one of your seats of higher education. I won’t pretend it was anywhere good, it was a red-brick Polytechnic in the West Midlands, near the very bottom of the league table. This was the late 1980s and everything was right on and politically correct – there was a Nelson Mandela bar, LGBT Societies, marches against anti-abortionists, etc, etc. There lies the foundation of my fall from grace.

I had quite a wide circle of friends, up until the incident I am about to relate. (And, sorry, fans, it won’t be a long one this time. I’ll try though – you never know, I might swerve into a lengthy digression about Ice Warriors or the political intrigues of Tara, or the best winter gear to wear on Ribos, or something. And hey! That was a little digression in itself there, to tell you that I might be digressing! Truly, I am disappearing up my own arse).

Back to the story. One evening, I was down the Student Union with my circle of friends drinking McEwan’s lager (not export, the pissy normal kind) for 70p a pint. I know – rather expensive. One of us had the idea of submitting stories to Viz and/or Poot, and so we were discussing potential comic strips. I was getting frustrated as all their ideas were hopelessly lame. Flosbert the Bird, anyone? USP – he flies around and shits on people. The Fridge Thing – a fridge that turns into a monster and eats people. Adolf the Gerbil – well, you can probably guess. Fucking shite. Admittedly, one of us did have an idea for a strip about the wacky adventures of middle-class students that was more or less Student Grant, but we dismissed it as too niche, and were gobsmacked when Student Grant actually appeared in 1992 (perhaps someone from Viz was in the Union and had overheard us?). None of these ideas were funny or fucked up enough.

So I dropped this into the mix: ‘Hey, what about a strip about someone suffering from AIDS? It could be called “Adrian Ayds – He’s Got Aids”, and the strapline could be “It’s Fun To Be HIV.” ’

A silence as total as death slammed down. The grin froze on my face.

Hepzibah, a blue-haired gothette Humanities student, burst into tears and buried her face in her hands. Her friend Sarah shouted, ‘Her brother’s got AIDS, you insensitive bastard!’

Max, a blond-haired flamboyant homosexual fond of bright yellow shirts and red dungarees, simply rose gracefully from his seat, walked over to me, and spat in my face. He then walked out and never spoke to me again.

I turned my dripping face towards my best mates Brian and Mike, but they avoided my gaze and then got up to leave.

Soon I was completely alone with a face full of gay spittle and half a pint of pissy lager. I felt cold and hollow, as if my insides had been scooped out, and I knew then that nothing would ever be the same again.

I was ostracised for three months. No-one spoke to me unless absolutely necessary. I was barred from the Union and had to drink in The Smiling Man with the troglodytic locals. Fellow students spat at me. I had death threats slid under the door of my room in College Hall, and my room was regularly broken into and trashed, my kettle pissed in, turds left steaming on my pillow, etc.

When Hepzibah’s brother died she came at me with a pair of scissors. Never saw her again after that, she dropped out, and I heard that she’d become a drug addict and prostitute and contracted HIV herself. Circle of life. Or, rather, death.

I was only, and with great hesitation, let back in after I had published a full and frank apology in the student mag and read this apology out on stage in the Union in front of all my fellow students.

Miserable, humourless cunts the lot of them!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:01, 9 replies)

No way you big spastic, you're a mentalist.
/ac
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 12:06, closed)

Oh man, did you get AIDs from getting bummerspit on you?
That's internets troo now.
DOC SKAGRA CAUGHT AIDS OFF OF BUMMERSPIT!
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 25 Aug 2013, 14:02, closed)

I believe this happened.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 15:43, closed)

Because he looks like he caught AIDs off of bummerspit, Vaggy?
I concur.
*Concurs*
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Sun 25 Aug 2013, 15:58, closed)

Totes.
Probably likes it, too.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 16:28, closed)

By the way
Adrian Ayds is copyright me, so no-one rip it off. You're welcome to Flosbert the Bird and the others, though.

Oh hang on, I'll have Flosbert the Bird too, I've had a bit of a think and I can see potential in that.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Sun 25 Aug 2013, 18:03, closed)

'completely alone with a face full of gay spittle and half a pint of pissy lager'
Luxury.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 26 Aug 2013, 10:42, closed)

"my best mates Brian and Mike"
Are you really called Geoff?

"You know I've got this gun, don't you?"
(Dinting Arches, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 16:55, closed)

In the context of "Ideas for a contribution to VIZ", this doesn't sound very extreme to me

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 11:34, closed)