To an ex
Dear Jason,

I know you took it hard when we broke up. But, that was no excuse to tell all our friends that I was cheating on you. I never did that, I never even thought about it. The reason I told you was true: after six months we had never kissed, never even held hands. That's not a relationship, that's a friendship and that's what I thought of you as. It was time for both of us to move on.

I know you got depressed after we broke up, but that wasn't my fault. You were depressed far before then. Did you know I went to the psychiatrist first, to tell them about you? I sat there in my coat the entire time. I was so scared, but I wanted to get help for you. I spent hours and hours talking to you, trying to get you to see someone, to do something besides complain about how I ruined your life.

Do you know what it does to someone when you tell them you're going to kill yourself and it's their fault? I'm worried that you did know how that would affect me, that I would consider getting back together with you to ease your pain and keep you alive.

What about that night where I was lying on the bed and you kept rubbing my back and moving closer? That night, you made more contact with me than the entire time we were going out. I kept moving away, but that didn't stop you. I almost gave into you that night; I felt so guilty about everything. If I hadn't left so suddenly like that, you would have destroyed my self-respect. That night, when I was riding my bike home as fast as I could, I realized I couldn't make you happy by giving you myself. I love myself more than I ever loved you. I used to think I would do anything to ease the pain of a friend. Now I know that's a lie.

I still talk to you online because it makes me happy to see how miserable you are. I'm in university getting a second degree, living with my boyfriend of three years, and have never had trouble finding a job. You want to know why you're still miserable - living with your parents, in debt with no job for 2 years? Because you blame everyone and everything else for your problems. Guess what? It's you.

Regards,
(Tarana, Fri 5 Mar 2010, 3:12, Reply)