George,
You’ve been there all my life, like that shifty uncle with the beard who my mum wouldn’t let me go anywhere near when I was little because of the incident with the bottle of ketchup, the tub of Vaseline, and the visit to A & E at three-thirty in the morning. I feel like I know you so well, George. You’re like the father I never had (OK, I’ve got a dad but he seemed to spend my childhood sitting in a comfy chair scratching himself, watching daytime TV, and becoming increasingly Wolfman hairy).

So, George, why didn’t you respond to my last letter? You may have been too busy counting your pots of cash or chowing down on Ben & Jerrys (you have gotten a little on the lardy side this last few years), or maybe someone hasn’t actually sat you down and taught you how to read or write yet? Who knows... But I’ll summarise my last correspondence here, don’t ignore it, it could make you even richer than you already are. And God knows who wouldn’t like another Learjet or thirteen year old Thai bride in the shed at the end of the garden to add to the collection?

Here it is – keep it to yourself and I guarantee you’re looking at genuine, grade A, cool hard pay dirt.

Star Wars: The New Trilogy!!!

Firstly, ditch the pussy gay robots and quite frankly fucking awful amphibians who sound like they’ve come from a cotton field somewhere in South Carolina circa 1863. Fuck knows what you were thinking there, mate, apart from enraging the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD and making people actually want to vomit and kill you. Yeah, I know what you’ll say: “Kiddies = Kerching!!!” But fuck that, you’re forgetting the all important first rule when it comes to this target audience: kiddies are wankers. Fuck them. They don’t deserve to be in the cinema in the first place polluting the air with their kiddie smells and whiney little bitch voices.

Which brings me to my second point: Go for the 18 Certificate next time. It’s time Star Wars got a little gritty, sexy, and gory. My suggestion to open Part One of the New Trilogy (Star Wars: Zombie Darth Vader Returns from the Dead and Fucks Up the Republic Big Time), where Princess Leia (played by some sexy little minx Hollywood starlet who ACTUALLY HAS TITS this time, is addicted to space crack and down on her luck, having found Han and Chewie butt-fucking in the Falcon sometime earlier. Anyway, Leia ends up spit roasting a couple of clones in a Degobah toilet (if she’s got tits at least let’s see um unfettered, sweaty and bouncing round for a bit. Nipples = box office gold, remember that). Then her brother, Luke, (this time played by someone who can actually act), breaks down the door and beats the clones to death with his bare knuckles, ripping out the still beating heart of one of um and holding it aloft like a mighty fucking talisman. Blood. Tits. Gore. Shagging. And all within the first five minutes. What a fucking opener! I guarantee everyone in the audience at the test screening will have a raging boner.

From there on you’re on your own... But I’ll leave you with this: Wouldn’t it be interesting to have a zero gravity interspecies alien/human sex scene? Possibly give the alien two cocks... Maybe make it 3D. Just a thought.

Could make a fucking fortune. Can’t for the life of me understand why you haven’t responded to my previous letter.

PS – I enclose a bit of fan art for your amusement. It’s the scene where Chewie cornholes Han while Zombie Darth Vader (played by Steven Segal) watches on and a couple of those blue girls with the big tentacles coming out their head’s suck his bollocks. You’ll need an ultraviolet light to see it though as I drew it in spunk. I think it’s very effective.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:10, 1 reply)

already been made
for his own personal viewing
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 9 Mar 2010, 12:54, closed)