Elvis 1 & 2 and Britney Spears' grandmother
The Broadgate Circle by Liverpool St in London is an ice rink in winter, an arena for duff entertainment in summer. Apparently the champagne swilling customers of Corney & Barrow need something to watch from the bar's balconies.

Anyway, an annual feature of the 'entertainments' is the line dancing which sees about 30 oaps bused in to teeter through the works of Billy Ray Virus much to the bemusement of the local suits.

And this attracts three of the oddest twunts I have ever seen.

One is a woman who looks about seventy and dresses like Britney Spears playing the lead in a Dolly Parton biopic. In fact I imagine young Britney will grow to look like this in some 50 years hence. The woman dances like an arthritic whore.

The two men appear to be Elvis fans. Both have wigs. One is happy to be seen wearing a wig, the other wants you to believe it is his real hair. They must be in their late 50s. They dress entirely in man made fibres and wear ludricous plastic shades.

The overt wig wearer shimmies his hips and steps from side to side. He thinks this is sexy and hip.

The covert wig wearer merely stamps out a death march with one foot to the strange tunes he hears in his own head.

They do not take part in the major event. They dance on the fringes. One year the idiot employed to make banal comments over a microphone (normally refered to as a compere) made some bitter laced remark about "our friends over there, they come every year, we don't ask them."

And indeed they do come every year. I used to think they were on day release, now I'm not so sure.

They would lead to comments like "I saw your mum out in the Circle at lunchtime" when you got back to the office. Little Britain hasn't created better comedy characters and they have that vital element of actually being a little scary as well as funny.

I saw them wrecking the afternoon of some luckless busker down by Embankment recently. That made me both chuckle and yet feel rather sad at the same time.

Anyone else know who I mean?
(Dr Benson Smoke, Fri 17 Sep 2004, 17:31, Reply)