of crack whores, and ninjas (shameless pea)
my old housemate, love him as i do, shall remain nameless.
one night he rbought round this girl.. spoke entirely in a horrendous polish/english bo selecta-esque accent... right up until i asked her something, when she became briefly, and clearly unintentionally cockney. but i digress. she was, to coin a phrase,as mad as a bag of wasps in a salad spinner. she was also jacked up to the eyeballs on speed, which she was feeding him.
this resulted in the two of them, fucked off their asses on speed, making an unholy row until about the time i got up for work.
this happened a couple of times.
then he moved out.
he came back to visit and she showed up. once again much mashedness occurred. the difference this time was he became somewhat.. paranoid? was absolutely stone-cold serious that there were people in the back garden on the roof of the extension, shining torches at him.
despite our protestations that due to the layout of our street, short of climbing over a rooftop and navigating a bunch of cluttered, high fenced gardens, or flying in, this was a complete impossibilty, unless we were beset by a gang of 40 foot ladder-carrying ninjas (who had managed to disappear without trace, we even got on the roof in question and checked the neighbouring gardens) nevertheless, he decided the police should be called.
three
fucking
times.

the fourth time he called them, they asked to be put on to one of us, and said in no uncertain terms, if he rang again he was coming in.
we confiscated his phone at this point, and this stopped him calling the police.
it didn't however, stop him bursting out into the yard periodically wildly waving a hammer and staring accusingly at shrubbery.
when i got up that day i found him huddled in a doorway, half under a blanket, STILL clutching the hammer, drifting off to sleep in little fits and starts, and waking, jumping half out of his skin, half-heartedly waving the hammer, then dozing off again.
the mad bastard
the spice of life, that boy.

the craziest bit is that days, weeks even later, he was STILL convinced it was real.
it was only a few months later, in a moment of clarity he admitted he 'might have been going a bit funny'
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 17 Sep 2010, 12:35, Reply)