One for me...one for my sister!
This is probably what finally put me off women.

I used to work at a holiday camp in Northumberland. I met a young lady who was a horny young thing and we had a good giggle, but nothing more than a spot of oral appreciation. About 4 weeks after meeting, we went to her parent's house. Dad is typical Dad, with whole "treat my daughter well" and Mum is already picking out her hat for the wedding.

Anyway, that night we go to bed. Parents are fairly liberal minded and don't mind us sharing a room. Anyway, we start going at it like hammer and tongs. She and me are both virgins. I notice a bit of blood on the condom. "That's odd" I think, then realise that this must be the hymen thingummy, or maybe the fleet is in. Well, when you're 17, a shag is a shag.

I take the condom off to notice a pain in my knob. No, that was NOT her. It was me. I had ripped my foreskin and banjo string quite badly, and it would NOT stop bleeding. It reminded me so much of that scene from "There's something about Mary."

Vicky is no help, wakes her Dad up, who drives me up to A&E. Cue 5 humiliating hours on a Friday night stuck in the arse end of Northumberland. Out of action for a fortnight whilst it heals. Dumped her. Moved onto blokes. Better.


Anyway, a couple of years earlier, my elder sister gets married to her fiance. On the night before the wedding, me, my older brother and my younger sister and her boyfriend spent the night in my elder sister's house. (Her and her hubby were staying elsewhere, obviously!) Anyway, whilst I am drifting off to sleep, I hear strange noises coming from the bedroom next door. Being young and naive, I think nothing more of it and fall asleep. During the reception, my brother loudly informs my sister that new homes have thinner walls than she is used to, and says "aint that right...Bonking Bev?!" in front of the assembled wedding party. Cue my sister running out of the room bright red, my Dad swallowing a prawn the wrong way and my Mum cackling like an old crone.

I would apologise for length, girth and so on but I have no shame.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sat 21 May 2005, 7:23, Reply)