Prancing ponies, piss-ups, and ‘parrot fashion’…

Before I begin, I won’t even try to reel you in on this wind-up, because you are obviously highly intelligent, non-gullible folk, not utter spazbuckets like me, so instead of trying to pull the wool over your eyes, I will just explain about how I once fell completely hook, line and sinker…and in fact, if you’ve got a moment, boat, reel, tackle, and those up-to-your-tits wader things with braces and built in wellies.

Now, In my defence (if I have one) I had been drinking quite a bit, and unfortunately there isn’t a drug massive enough to stifle my blinding faith in humanity (i.e. painful gullibility) so all I ask for is a modicum of sympathy that such an inane window licker as I exist in this world...
A few years back half a dozen ‘friends’ and I were all in the pub one Saturday afternoon, and we were discussing our general bullshit-related stories when the subject went on to urban myths. Pete, who I have since imaginatively tagged: ‘Pete the utter Bastard’, was watching the Racing channel that was on the telly in the corner. Whatever ungodly reason possessed him to pipe up and be quite so cuntish I don’t know, but he wistfully pointed at the racehorses on the screen and interrupted the flow of conversation by saying “Are there any films of them making that noise?…” Of course, this attracted my cretin-like interest and I asked him to elaborate, prompting him to launch in the biggest pile of steaming wank this side of my last post.

Pete then spontaneously launched into a speech that seemed so cunningly contrived that I still struggle to believe he was making it up on the spot. He started to speak of the ‘legend’, that once a certain type of horse (certain breed & must be female, apparently) reached full maturity, their throats ‘developed’ and created a primitive sort of vocal chord. As time has gone on, some of them have evolved even further and have adapted to be able to sort of make a high-pitched ‘whistle’…and a few of them could actually re-create sounds. Now, this was explained that it wasn’t in a directly intelligent way, but more like a parrot fashion, but if you played them music, they occasionally ended up mimicking the tune and even vocals that they had heard! Now, I know what you’re thinking, but where were you when they were telling me this? “Fuck-a-doodle-do!” I thought to myself…hanging on his every word as Pete continued to ramble on. Although I was a little sceptical, everyone else nodded sagely in knowledgeable agreement as he carried on.

At this point he must’ve noticed how I was being taken in. and decided to go for the big one. “In fact”, he continued mercilessly, if you want to see, there are a couple in the field down the road…”

“Fuck yeah! I’ve got to see this!” I bellowed, and before I knew it we were all staggering down the road to the fenced off field at the end by the church. Unfortunately, when we got there we discovered that a new fence had been erected around the field, one that was solid and too high for me to peer over.

I was gutted, but then Pete spotted something. “Aye up, you can look through the fence, there”, he exclaimed, and as I glanced towards where he was pointing I saw lots of tiny little spy holes. As I approached, I noticed that bizarrely, they all seemed shaped as if a busy little Zorro had gone mental on this fence with his little sword. I couldn’t tell if they had been a natural occurrence, (and I considered that perhaps they were made by other people who wanted to see this amazing phenomenon), but either way there were half a dozen or so little ‘Z’s dotted about at different heights up and down the fence.

I was pushed forward and held my breath with anticipation as I crouched down, squinted, and tentatively peered in, and you know what I saw?

That’s right, fuck all. I mean there were some horses in there, but they were just standing about doing whatever horses normally do, and by no means were they rehearsing for the X-Factor or anything. Fucketty Fuck.

My mates fell about laughing and still mention to this day what an inconsolable bell-end I was to believe such a thing. But you know what?...I don’t really mind. For a moment there I actually considered how nice it would be – the thought of old lady horses gently going through a collection of love ballads to entertain their friends and riders on long evenings. And at the very least, dear reader, it gave me the opportunity to tell you my story of ‘Mares sing, with peep-hole zeds’, so perhaps it wasn’t all bad.

(NOTE: Apologies to Merkins , for whom this will make even less sense, as they call them ‘Zee’s…and while I’m at it – apologies to everyone else in the world too)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 9:46, 2 replies)

SPANG!
I'm glad I read it before it was ruined by the post above it.
(King Nightmare, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:03, closed)

D'oh!...

If only I'd thought to 'make it a quick one'

oo-er
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 10:05, closed)