Adramelech!
When I was about 11, I borrowed a book from the local library called 'The Devils of D-Day' - a book on how the allies called upon supernatural and evil powers in order to win the 2nd world war.

In the book is an incantation, recital of which is meant to raise a particularly repugnant beast called 'Adramelech' the 'Chancellor of Hell'.

I was a gawky lad. Tall, almost impossibly lanky, achingly geeky and with a mawkish streak wider than Goatse's impressive opening. I was bullied quite a lot because of this.

I was also scared of the book. Scared of it's 'power'. Surely if I were to invoke Adramelech he would rescue me from my tormentors, rending them asunder, consuming their souls and casting their broken bodies aside as ash, dead and cold. At this juncture, I feel that I should point out that I had a rather effusive imagination and was often referred to as 'having my head in the clouds'.

During one particularly painful bout of bullying, something snapped within me. I had been holding back for so long; not wanting to release the demonic presence of Adramelech on my foolish aggressors. Adramelech who would feed on their puny bodies, crunching their bones and sucking out the marrow whilst they still lived - screaming and dying horribly in hideous and prolonged agony ...

As I said, I was a dreamer.

I invoked the wrath of the Chancellor of Hell; crying forth the memorized passage for his summoning in a voice thick with spite. I spat the words out like chunks of flaming bile at the bullies surrounding me:

'Adramelech Chatsu remlisthu narek! Adramelech hismarad yonluth! Adramelech Chatsu remlisthu narek!'

An almost supernatural hush fell across the bullies who stood there, mouths agape. A dark cloud veiled the sun casting an eerie half-light across the playground. And then it happened. A hideous, screeching voice called out across the yard, chilling me to my very marrow:

'The lanky cunt's fucking lost it! Give him a fucking Chinese burn!'

And thus, I was not saved by a fiery demon, scything through the vicious bullies with blades of dark evil. I wasn't plucked from this mortal plane to sit at the side of Satan and while away the hours destroying the souls of countless sinners.

Instead I was given numerous Chinese burns across all the Chinese-burnable sections of my body and two very nasty atomic nipple-cripples.

Out of interest, I've just looked up Adramelech on Wikipedia. Apparently, he is also the 'Supervisor of Satan's wardrobe. Being generally depicted with a human torso and head, and the rest of the body of a mule (or sometimes as a peacock)'. Essentially the demonic version of Trinny or Susannah!? Fucking terrifying!

Adramelech. What a fucking useless cunt.
( squirrels emit silent screams has updog, Thu 20 Apr 2006, 12:57, Reply)