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This is a question Neighbours

I used to live next door to a pair of elderly naturists, only finding out about their hobby when they bade me a cheerful, saggy 'Hello' while I was 25 feet up a ladder repairing the chimney. Luckily, a bush broke my fall, but the memory of a fat, naked man in an ill-fitting wig will live with me forever.

(, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 12:41)
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I'm not going to tell you where I live...
...cause I know some of you will want to form a queue.

But my next-door neighbour insists on topless sunbathing (and mostly with only a bit of dental floss to cover up her lower lady bits) whenever there is the slightest threat of sunshine. The problems are this, however:

1/ This is the front garden I am talking about.
2/ Part of said garden is directly in front of my living-room bay window.
3/ There is only a low wall between the front garden and the street.
4/ There is a bus stop at the end of my front path.
5/ We have builders in at the present.

So consequently there are mixed blessings to this:

1/ Passers by are funny to watch. Newbies do a visible double-take, regulars slow down to tie shoelaces, dog-walkers exercise their animals several times a day and always pick up doggydo's, and mothers taking their toddlers to the day-care centre at the end of the road strangely always cross the road to the narrower pavement.

2/ Whenever I have visitors, I have to steer them away from the window. They are here to visit ME not ogle the neighbour, dammit. It's embarrassing having clients round though; they need to walk past her to get to my (home) office and the conversations get increasingly strained until I break the ice by cheerfully asking if she is still out there.

3/ Cars slow down miraculously on nice days, never on bad days. Occasionally they stall, or the driver pulls over to answer his mobile phone / look for something in the back seat / look for something on the passenger seat. Sometimes they even manage to break down, with the driver getting out to open the bonnet, stand around a while shaking his head and generally looking pensive, before closing the bonnet and driving off.

4/ The bus always stops at our stop. Whether it needs to or not. And sometimes - I kid you not - the driver takes a sandwich / fag break if there is nobody on the bus. The council are threatening to divert our bus service for lack of use, but the drivers always complain and the route stays. Result!

5/ We can't get rid of the builders because they just keep coming back to do the final bits of "snagging" (yeah, right. That's a new word for it.)
(, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 17:18, closed)

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