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This is a question Neighbours

I used to live next door to a pair of elderly naturists, only finding out about their hobby when they bade me a cheerful, saggy 'Hello' while I was 25 feet up a ladder repairing the chimney. Luckily, a bush broke my fall, but the memory of a fat, naked man in an ill-fitting wig will live with me forever.

(, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 12:41)
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A while ago I lived in a top floor flat for five years. During that time I had three sets of neighbours living in the flat below. The first two were very nice people. Then Kevin moved in with his girlfriend.

I won't call Kevin chavscum as that would be insulting to decent, hardworking chavscum everywhere. Suffice it to say he had "KEV" tattooed on his hand, presumably in case someone asked him a difficult question like "What is your name?" Shortly after Kevin moved in, I was enjoying a quiet evening at home listening to music. There was a bang on the floor and Kevin appeared at the door and asked me to turn it down. Fair enough of course - Wagner isn't to everyone's taste and I had no idea that it was audible as none of the previous neighbours had mentioned it. I made a point of playing music much more quietly.

Not long after that, I was woken at 7.30 on a Saturday morning by a sound like you would hear from someone having his testicles removed with a blunt and rusty knife. I soon realised that this was Kevin's idea of singing. It went on for an hour, and I was subjected to the same atrocity against music pretty well every weekend, early in the morning. For variety he would burp for an hour and one Bank Holiday I heard him singing THE SAME FUCKING SONG for three hours on end, with the accompaniment of what I assume was a karaoke machine.

I decided that if he was going to be that annoying, so would I. So I put on a CD at a reasonable listening volume and sure enough, the first orchestral tutti was accompanied by banging from below. I went down and tried to point out that if he he expected me to be considerate, he should be too. His reply was that he thought he was quite a good singer. When I disagreed, he came up with the line "You don't like our music, we don't like yours."

You can't argue with someone like that but anyway I believe revenge is best served drunk. Every time I got home from the pub I would piss on the doorhandles of his van, and after he'd particularly annoyed me I removed the van's aerial. His vocal effort the next morning, resonant with rage, was probably the best performance he ever gave.
(, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 19:39, 3 replies)
For the inspired peeing on the handles to Kev's car.

Also because of the KEV tattoo. It most likely actually is because he's previously forgotten his own name.
(, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 1:28, closed)
"I believe revenge is best served drunk. "
For this you deserve a click
(, Tue 6 Oct 2009, 1:30, closed)
This is probably the best thing I've read on here all week
gets a click from me - cheers for the laughs
(, Wed 7 Oct 2009, 11:02, closed)

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