Hindsight is always 20:20
Nerdiness is as its antithesis, coolness. If you say you are, you're not. If you think you are, you're not. If you fear you are, you might be.

It has to be bestowed upon you by your peers, and conveyed by ostracism. OCD, collectamania, a penchant for sci-fi, fantasy and filing are not nerdiness. A love of all things computerery is geeky, but not nerdy. True nerdiness is a lonely business.

Where as having coolness bestowed upon you is likely to involve invitations to hip parties, unsolicited come-ons from supermodels, an instant entourage and offers of free narcs, being a nerd is a solitary affair, likely to culminate in a feeling of deep existential angst, utterly flummoxed by the world’s antipathy to your innate talents.

So, with the benefit of hindsight, I realize I *was* a nerd. Any awareness of this ‘condition’ at the time would have negated this realization – because I would have sorted myself out. It ain’t fun.

I always used to wonder “why me” at school. Why was I the one attracting the unwarranted attention? Why was I bullied, spat at, beaten up, caned, had money extorted, and was the general ‘lacky’ for the group I’d joined in an uneasy alliance?

Why was I always chosen last in sport, always to be the target (goalie), after the fat asthmatic kid? Why was I taunted, called gay before my balls had even dropped? Why was I the spare prick at the orgy, the last man standing at the few parties I was invited to, when all good men and true were making out?

It took me a while to grow up. To develop empathy. To see myself as others saw me. It was only then I realized how I must have come across.

To some extent it was circumstances and just plain bad luck. I was the only middle class kid in a working class school (40% of my school left with nothing, no CSEs, no O levels – I got the most -8 (just) – the next highest was 5) .

We had six non classical albums (I don't remember what they were ;) ) and the radion was always tuned to radio 4.

We didn’t have a TV till I was five, and even after that TV was strictly rationed. My dad had a system – reading books allowed us a number of hours of TV/week – at the age of 11, I was reading “John Prebble’s “ The Highland Clearances” (a weighty tome, but just 5hrs, in case you were wondering).

I got a dictionary for my tenth birthday… nothing else. My parents were self educated but poor as church mice. Almost all my clothes were second hand or hand knitted….

Poor and starved of common cultural references, I started secondary school just as ‘brand consciousness’ hit kids – late 70s early 80s. Wither the Dunlop Green Flashes of yesteryear, or the black pumps with orange soles. If you didn’t have Adidas Mamba or Samba you weren’t it. I got Gola.

Fred Perry, Pringle? I had a snorkel parker and tank tops. Accoutrements? A violin (borrowed) of course. And outrageous 70’s blond curls.

Five years of hell. It’s a miracle I wasn’t killed… I can’t believe I ever used to make matchstick models, or knew how to work out the a resistor’s value from the colour coded bands....(snip)

….skip to the end.

Clawed my way out of all that, and have found myself an amazing woman, with innate style.

This can be illustrated simply by the contrast between our (teenage) approaches to parties – mine - turn up, drink some snakebite, sit on the stairs hoping someone would come and talk to me (take pity on me?)

Hers? She still likes to follow her grandmother’s advice

“Never sit down, never refuse a drink”

It’s a confidence thing.
(Countryslicker, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 11:49, 4 replies)

i don't get it...
how can you be a middle-class kid when your parents were "poor as church mice" and only had second hand or knitted clothes - am i missing something?
(deadly_sinners, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 18:52, closed)

Me too
I can so relate to that. And I'm glad I'm not alone in having parents who lived a life of pretending to be smugly middle-class whilst actually being as poor as gypsyes and living in a grim midlands sink town. It does not make for a happy teenage life.

And deadly_sinners - the phrases "self-delusion" and "utter denial" might help to explain.
(Jim the Bad, Fri 7 Mar 2008, 21:49, closed)

class
"Class" - you either have it or not, there is no middle..
They were academic but my dad chose to write and try to make money that way, my ma brought in the daily toast.. loads of books, no cash :(
(Countryslicker, Sat 8 Mar 2008, 10:52, closed)

Deadly sinners, do you really think class has anything to do with money?
Jordan is not middle class, no matter how much she makes. And we were middle class when my mum was worrying how she was going to afford shoes for my brother.
(Skittlemcfluff ......................, Wed 12 Mar 2008, 20:08, closed)