My great grandad was far too kind.
My great great grandad was a rich man. He had done well on the stock market and had a fair few country houses. He was also a very generous man as epitomised by the scene on his deathbed (As told by Granny Foz)..

Now having many houses means the upkeep on them is phenomenally difficult. How muc you say? Well back then, you'd have a gardener, a maid and a butler, as well as a nanny, a few lesser servants and who knows? Maybe a lady of the night for good measure.

On his final day the butler, main kitchen maid and gardener were called to be outside his room for the final goodbyes. The butler of the main estate, where my great great grandad was dying. was called into his room for a private word.

"Alfie", he says, "You have been of great service to me over the years. For 33 years you have answered my calls, helped to host my extravagant parties and read me bedtime stories. For this great service I am going to give you Conniston Hall, my home near the Lakes. It has water views and 33 rooms. Enjoy."

Alfie is stunned by this and bows his way out of the room after a heartfelt final goodbye. He whispers to the kitchen maid, Roberta, that she has been called for.

Roberta wanders into the room and is about to launch into an emotionally charged speech on how much she will miss my great great grandfather. But he silences her with a wave of the hand.

"Roberta. You have been in my service for eighteen years. You have always provided the finest quality food no matter if it was caviar or that fine foie gras you do for me on Sunday evenings. You always cook up the most unbelievable buffets for my renowned dinners with the wealthy, and you have always mesmerised my tastebuds with your flavours. For this kind and loyal service I am going to give you Hardacres Hall. It is found in the New Forest and has a wonderful 24 rooms. I hope you enjoy it."

Roberta, like Alfie, tearfully thanks her boss and exits the room, telling Gerald the gardener he has been called for. Gerald enters the sumptious surroundings still in his dirty boots, but alas, my great great grandfather is too unwell to force the man to take them off before entering.

"Gerald, Gerald, Gerald. What can I say? when you arrived fourteen years ago, this estate had the finest garden in the UK. The grass was neatly trimmed daily, the maze was revered across the world and the flowers were beautiful. And the river! Oh the river was so clean you could drink it with no fear of illness. But..." Continues my great great grandad, "...Since that time, the grass is overgrown and creeping into my window, the maze has no obvious pathways and flowers downright refuse to be planted in the grounds - they wither and die upon impact with the soil. Finally my river went murky brown a few years ago and has since dried up and disappeared to be replaced by what Alfie tells me is being called amongst staff 'The Great Sludge.' For this service I have no choice but to give you bugger all."

"And how many rooms has that got?"








Sorry for length but i love that joke...
(Foz, Tue 7 Oct 2008, 18:01, Reply)