About two years ago I had a little party at my (old) flat, it was very small and everyone
invited everyone they knew (including a strange band called the 'Screaming Eagles'). I disliked the sudden mass of people in my little flat so drank the best part of a bottle of Jägermeister as both something to do and a way to block them all out; I don't usually drink much at all and this had quite a profound effect on me.

It was 'Air travel themed Fancy Dress' at my local grimy rock club/bar, Sound Circus (or the Villa, if you are an old. It has other names if you are an older). I dressed as a 'Human Fly'; this involved wearing my soviet radiation goggles and tying the cardboard tubes from kitchen rolls under my arms. Two under each arm, to give me six arms. Just like a fly.

The moment I got in I was bought a shot of Jäger which I happily drank (I'd usually be a bit cautious of the stuff, but hell! I'd just drank a whole bottle, I've got an iron stomach!) and then frantically ran to the (disgusting, already, half an hour after the doors opened) toilets to be very ill.

I then decided to sit down on the toilet. This is what upsets me about my memory: I have really good drunk memory, but only good enough to remember roughly what I did, not enough to make me feel better about things. I can't remember if my plan was to have a little rest or a little poo. I really hope it was the former because three hours later I woke up to the cubical door open and one of the security-men chucking me out.

I would love to know if I: a) had my trousers and undergarments around my ankles at this point. And b) had I been asleep for three hours with my trousers and under garments around my ankles with the cubical door open for all to see.

The more I've analysed this in my head, the more I'm quite sure it's b).

I am led, unable to walk, smelling of sick, wearing radiation goggles and all tied up in string and kitchen roll tubes, out of the club and left to roam free.

My friend Dave says I ran up to him (still covered in string and confusion and vomit) and declared I must have been date-raped as I hadn't drank much. Before running away. In all this confusion, and what really should have been embarrassment, I had also lost my girlfriend (I later discovered she had assumed I'd gone home and had gone to a strip club).

I finally, after bumbling across a dual-carriage way and not dying, found my flat. I put the key in the lock and turned it and fell slightly and snapped the key off in the lock, door remaining closed.

I could have looked slightly up, I'd have seen loads of my neighbours with their lights still on, I could have buzzed their doorbell. That would have been the sensible thing to do, instead, and I'm glad this is one of the things I do remember because it was fucking awesome, I kicked my own front-door in.

It took two kicks, which wasn't as Hollywood as I was expecting, but in it went. The lock snapped and splinted off of the frame. Hurrah! I slithered up the stairs (imagine a human worm going up the stairs, groaning) and opened my door without snapping the key this time and went to bed for ever.

The next morning the only memory anyone else had of me was a singular friend saying "we saw you being helped out of the place", my girlfriend had returned and I phoned my lettings company to tell them that "Something terrible has happened! Youths have kicked the door in! Help!".

And that's how I got a new security door for free.
( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:05, 18 replies)

Perhaps admitting insurance fraud
and posting where you live and work in your profile in the same forum isn't the brightest idea you've had recently.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:10, closed)

Old flat and I reckon I merely helped
the lettings company commit insurance fraud at the very worse, for the expense of a whole new security-door-lock, installed by themselves.

And I own the company I "work" for, so I shall not be firing myself. Maybe.
( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:14, closed)

Funnily enough
the next address your insurers would look for after your home address is your work address, and that's very much on your website. Your full name, too.

But of course I'm the one being thick.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:32, closed)

In all seriousness, what insurers?
I never spoke to any insurance company nor had any insurance policy. I'm sure the lettings management does, but this is about a half-hour call out of one of their own people. I'm probably not going to prison.

Not thick, no, but very much over-reacting.
( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:36, closed)

You presumed that I thought that you worked for someone, especially after I told you I looked at your website
and now you presume that I was implying that you were going to prison.
All I did was point out that you admitted making a fraudulent insurance claim. You now tried justifying it by saying "oh it was an old property anyway and it was an improvement" and for a brief moment you thought that no insurers were involved.

In three posts you've managed to make five incorrect statements
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:46, closed)

I /presumed/ that you were actually trying to be nice and helpful.
And at what point did I think no insurers were involved? I don't think you being unable to understand my posts should really mean I'm thick. Five-times-thick at that. How very rude.

edit: And I'm not claiming to be an internet-funny-man, but both my reply about working for myself and my reply about going to prison were, I think really really quite undoubtedly obviously, in jest.
( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:55, closed)

The 'in all seriousness, what insurers?' bit is where I'm referring to.
And I did say 'for a brief moment'. Are you sure you are understanding my posts, or are you angry because I called you out for committing fraud?
You wouldn't go to prison, as you correctly surmised. If caught, however, you would be asked to pay for all the expenses caused by your indiscretion.

It is also reasonable grounds for your letting agency to prematurely terminate your contract with them so again I say: it is not the brightest idea for you to post this and have a link your work details in your profile.
You just don't know what could happen, with so many members and non-members here.
Edit: As a fellow user just pointed out, I am being a dick now. But seriously, just be careful okay?
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:04, closed)

Like I said, old flat. Also a completely different letting agency, so nothing to terminate.
If the old lettings agency can somehow trace this back to me (they have a name, a common event at an unspecified location during a year) then I would happily pay the cost of the new lock as a reward for their hard work.

And I'm not angry at all, just bemused. I like fluffy-b3ta.
( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:17, closed)

Aah, 'old' as in 'previous'
I got confused as you said that you probably improved it by doing so anyway, making me belive that it was old and rundown but your current flat.

Yeah, okay not such a bad idea anymore.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:23, closed)

can I just add
we know you work in law, no one cares and shut up
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:30, closed)

If you're having to ask
No you may not, stop trying to be smart.
( Frisbee TeaBoy, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:34, closed)

Seconded

( rofl harris, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 13:33, closed)

Careful I shall be :)

( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:19, closed)

Better than kicking your own back door in, eh? Eh? Know what I mean?
What do I mean?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:22, closed)

Yeah! Yeah!
No?

(I can do it with my heel, but it feels strange).
( stevierar, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 11:24, closed)

please feel free to ignore the frisbee.
he has delusions of adequacy.
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 25 Mar 2011, 12:50, closed)

Sound Circus is awesome :)
Ridiculously cheap on thursdays, many a good night had there. Although they really need to change the carpets :/
(Buftoon posted this on, Sat 26 Mar 2011, 4:02, closed)

I think they are the original carpets, I once walked away from the bar
and lost a shoe to that carpet. I fought and reclaimed it.

I do not go much any more (I am the guy with the green hair, usually leaning against something in the smoking area), but it is still a giggle when I do.
( stevierar, Sun 27 Mar 2011, 22:58, closed)