Scenes One and Two
Scene One. In which HAPPYLITTLETULIP and ANCRENNE get into some trouble.

It is a lovely day in b3taland. The sun is shining. The sky is blue. HLT is skipping down the street, thinking about kittens.

HLT: I love kittens! They are so fluffeh! Ooh. I wonder if I put any pants on this morning? *checks* Oh. No, I didn’t. Never mind. Oh look! There’s Ancrenne!

For it is she.

Ancrenne: Hello HLT! How nice to see you! Look, I made you some sticky buns.
HLT: Lovely to see you to Ancrenne. Wow! Sticky buns! *buries face in Ancrenne’s sticky buns* *nomnomnoms*.
Ancrenne: Careful now.
HLT: Oh Ancrenne, I do so love your sticky buns. But tell me, you aren’t wearing any shoes. Why is this?

Ancrenne: *looks at feet* Oh noes! I am indeed barefoot! Someone must have stolen my shoes! *cries*
HLT: *cries* But who would do such a thing! You’re so pretty!
Ancrenne: Yes, I know. Look, there’s a policeman over there. Let us report this shoe related crime to him.
HLT: Yes, let’s. And look. His helmet is all shiny.

They approach the policeman. His helmet is indeed very shiny.

HLT: Constable! Oh, constable!
Ancrenne: No, I shaved this morning.
Policeman: ‘Elloelloello! Woss all this then?
HLT&Ancrenne: Please Mr Policeman, we wish to report a crime.
Policeman: Hay crime?
HLT: Yes, look, my friend has had her shoes stolen. Gosh, your helmet is so shiny Mr Policeman!
Policeman: Why thenk you modom. Hi polish hit hevery day in case hany ladies wish to hadmire hit. Would you like to ‘ave a stroke hof it?
HLT: *shocks* Why no, I would not! *pokes tongue out*
Ancrenne: And what about my shoes? They have been stoled, possibly by a criminaller.
Policeman: Hin that case, Hi will ‘ave to haccompany you to the nick and give you a good going over in the hinterview room. Walk this way modom.
Ancrenne: Halp! Halp! I’m being stolen by a policeman! Oi! Stop poking me with your truncheon!

The policeman uses his truncheon to chivvy her along. HLT is left alone in the street.

HLT: Oh noes! A policeman has stolen Ancrenne! I’m all alone! What WILL I do? *cries*

End of scene one.

Althegeordie, Bert Monkeysex, DevilInTights, and Kaol are in the drawing room at b3tamansions.

Al: I say chaps, this is jolly nice, what?
Bert: Gosh, isn’t it just. What civilized fellows we are.
DiT: And what charming smashing blouses we all have on!
Kaol: Yes, it’s so nice when it’s just us and no ladies. I’ve had such fun arranging these flowers all morning, it’s so therapeutic. You know, it’s such hard work pretending to be a dark, stabby mystery all the time. I’m so tired.
Al: Yes, I must say I am enjoying hanging out like this.
Bert: Al, your flies are undone.
DiT: Bert, you’ve spent all morning on your goat. Aren’t you rather worn out old thing?
Bert: Don’t call her old thing, she’s my goat!
DiT: Are you asking for a bunch of fives?

They stand and get ready to give each other a damn good thrashing, when all of a sudden HLT bursts in through the French windows. Immediately they all slouch, develop semis, think of rude things, and dribble in anticipation of cake.

Bert: HLT! *develops ants in pants*
DiT: Tulip! What smashing blouse you have on!
KAol: *fetches cable ties and knives*
Al: Why aye, it’s oor Tulip!
Bert: Al, you’re not a real Geordie, stop it.
Al: Oh yeah.
DiT: HLT, why are you crying?
Bert: *ensnuggles*
Al: *fetches hanky*
Kaol: Not now, Al!
Al: Too late! *spluffs*
HLT: Halp! Halp! Ancrenne has been manhandled to the police station where they are giving her a good drubbing, and I don’t know what to do.
Kaol: WHAT?!
DiT: Oh noes!
Al: Ohhh noooo, I’ve wet meself!
Bert: I know. We will go and ask Enzyme the Wise. He is clever and will know what to do.
DiT: Right. Let’s go.
Al: But I can’t, me trousers are all wet!
Bert: You’ll have to stay here and dry them then.
Al: Why aye! The dryer’s broken man!
HLT: Ooh, I know, I’m good at blowing, I’ll blow them dry. They’ll be dry in no time.
Al: *removes trousers*
HLT: *blows hard*
Al: FLUFFEH TIEMS!

The rest of them leave to go and find Enzyme the Wise.

End of scene two…


Scene Three

Bert, Kaol and DiT find Enzyme the Wise sitting on his throne in the library. The Four High Priestesses (Crack, House, Ceilidh and Band) are kneeling before him.

Bert: Greetings, o wise one.
Kaol: Hail to thee, o Enzyme.

Enzyme appears not to have heard them.

Bert: Oi! Enzyme!
Kaol: Enzyme! Oh, he hasn’t heard me. Enzyme. Enzyme! ENZYME! ENZYME!
ENZYME! ENZYME! ENZYME! ENZYME! ENZYME! ENZYME! ENZYME!
Enzyme: Sorry, young sirs, I was just flicking through CHCB’s wellthumbed Kant when you came just now, and I didn’t realise you had come.
CHCB: Begorrah, nose deep he was! Would ye just tink of dat!
Enzyme: Unfortunately, she has reverted to stereotype, so I was just administering some extreme unction.
CHCB: Lies! All lies!

The clock strikes 4pm.

CHCB: Ooh, is it Thursday?
Everyone: YES! FLUFFEH TIEMS! OH NOES! WOO AND YAY!

And the b3taplay goes all quiet for the next 15 minutes.

Enzyme: But you are quivering, young sirs. Do not worry, for the High Priestess and I will pontificate, and your troubles shall be no more.

And he spreads his arm wide, a figure of serenity oozing wisdom (and spunkchup, for he had not done his dry cleaning that week).

Kaol: Ok, thanks, bye!

And they leave. Enzyme shuts the library door.

Enzyme: Crack! House! Ceilidh! Band! Fetch the kittens!
CHCB: Yes master.

She fetches the kittens and lays them at his feet. They scamper about adorably.

Outside, Bert frowns.
Kaol: Bert, stop frowning, that’s my thing what I do.

Bert/DiT/Kaol (in unison): Hang on a minute.

And they all knock on the library door once more. Enzyme opens it a tiny amount.

Bert: O, wise Enzyme, we oh, I do beg your pardon, but I can see some lovely kittens through your door just there.
Enzyme: CHCB! Put the pussy away! Bert can see it through my crack!
CHCB: Righto.
Enzyme: Why must you disturb my deep throat thought?
Kaol: You never asked us what the problem was.
Enzyme: I didn’t have to. I have a brain the size of mistaspakkaman’s blackpool tower, I know everything. Now leave us!

Bert, Kaol and DiT leave. Enzyme shuts the door again.

Enzyme: Now, let us consult the kittens!
CHCB: Would you like a cup of tea father?
Enzyme: No, I’m consulting the kittens. Stop reverting to stereotype.
CHCB: Right ye are.
Enzyme: Kittens, confess!
Kittens: Meowmeowmeow.
Enzyme: Kittens, you are hereby charged with one, no two, no three counts of heresy.
CHCB: Enzyme, what are you talking about?
Enzyme: Oh! I’m terribly sorry. I seem to have temporarily pretended to be in a Monty Python sketch. Where was I? Oh yes. Kittens! Tell us what we must do!
Kittens: Meow. Meowmeowmeow. Purr. Meowpurrpurrpurr.
Enzyme: What, right now?
CHCB: And with how many goats?
Kittens: Meowmeow. Meowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeow.
Enzyme: And what if we run out of spoons?
Kittens: Meow.
CHCB: Aha!
Enzyme: Let’s go! Come, High Priestesses CHCB. To the b3tamobile!

So they do.

End of scene three.

Scene Four. The police station. Ancrenne is being given a good going over by the policeman.

P: Now then now then now then. Will you tell me hexactly what ‘appened to the aforementioned shoes. I hunderstand they hare Caucasian shoes of average height.
A; Why yes oroficer. I was sitting down, peacefully, in a northerly direction, when all of a sudden I noticed that I wasn’t wearing any shoes.
P: Not wearing shoes! Why, no self-respectin’personage Hi know would hallow themselves to leave the ‘ouse without their shoes!
A: Yes, but you see, Mr Policeman, I am a hippy!
P: Ha ‘ippie?! Oh noes!
A: Oh yes!!

And she dances a I’m-escaping-because-I’m-a-hippy-and-I’m-ace dance, complete with daisies, pants, and ban the bomb signs, around the policeman and out of the window. As she wriggles through the tiny hole, she sees THEWEEWITCH and MISTASPAKKAMAN flying towards the police station on their broomsticks.

WW: Ancrenne! Over here! Quick!
A: Yay, woo! Rescue!
Spakka: Indeed yes! Climb aboard my hard broomstick, and I shall show you a good time!
WW: Spakka will take you back to the b3tamansion. I have a cunning, witchy plan to outwit the bumptious man of the law. Ha ha!
A: Yay!

Spakka and Ancrenne fly back to the b3tamansions. WW flies off and lays a trail of cake crumbs for the policeman to follow. Unfortunately, Big-girls-blouse, PenguinOfDeath, Maladicta, Davros’ Granddad, thewellgroomedwookie, and Legless see the crumbs and follow them as well.

BGB: Ee by gum! Cake!
POD: Woo, cake!
Maladicta: Yay, cake! And woo, I’m in Scene Four!
DG: *follows crumbs*
WGW: Ooh, crumbs!
Legless: Cheers!

Scene Five. The Resident Loon is sleeping peacefully in his bed in his bit of the USA which may or may not be near the Blue Ridge Mountains. He is dreaming about blouses. A lovely cakey smell (from TWW’s cake crumbs) wafts in through the open window. All the bears, wolves and Cadillacs outside have smelt it too and are baying at the moon.

Loon (stirring): Where the heck is that goddang sweet smell o’ homey Briddish confectionary a-driftin’ from? It sure is rousin’! Ah must leave mah Merkin ranch and flah raight now to Engerland and git me some o’ that!

And he rings Nasa to ask if he can borrow a moon rocket to fly to Britain at once. They say yes, because they are stupid.

Loon: Yeeeeeehaaaaaw! Check me out on mah rocket! Bridain, here Ah come!
Scene Six. In the drawing room at b3tamansions. HLT and Al are hard at it.

Al: Ooh! Harder! Blow harder!
HLT: I can’t! I’ve been blowing for ages, your trousers must be nearly dry by now. *faints*
Al: Oh cock. *revives*
HLT: Where? Is chickenlady here with her chickens? Yay! Oh! Oh noes!
Al: What, what is it!?
HLT: I promised you my muffins!
Al: *spluffs*
HLT: No, chocolate ones! You know! Cake!
Al: Yay, cake! *nomnomnoms*

Just then, Beckyconsonants comes in. She is carrying an enormous vat of marmalade and K2K6 is helping her.

Becky: This… marmalade… is… so … heavy!
K2K6: Let me help you, fair maiden, I am a porridge-fed Scotsman and strong enough to bear all kinds of marmalade burdens.
Becky: Thank you! How can I ever repay you?
K2K6: *dives into marmalade* *beckons*
Becky: *dives in*
HLT: Ooh, marmalade! *joins*
K2K6: *faints*
Becky: Oh no, K2k6 has fainted.
K2k6: I haven’t really. I was just expressing my delight at our current situation.
Becky: You brought currants as well?

And so on and so forth until the end of time.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 17:03, Reply)