Jeremy Kyle
Being (at the time) an avid purveyor of daytime TV, a couple of years ago, I and my friend Charlotte found ourselves on the train to Manchester to be in the audience for the last bastion of airing of dirty laundry, the Jeremy Kyle show.

(Just for the record, it was horrific. They sit you down and make you practice 'booing' for an hour. Then the man himself, Jezza, comes out. He obviously thought he was the shiz, and we were just commoners... insulting us in a 'comical' way and suchlike. He is waaay short, and, contrary to what he says, his name is not on the wall, so he is also a liar. I never watched it again apart from *my* episode)

Anyways, to get to the nub and the crux of the story, one of the things Charlotte and I were excited about was the possibility of seeing Graham, the shows 'psychomatherapologist' and all round cult-figure. (This is important).

We had arrived in Manchester, been given the titles for the show (pretty standard, 'Brother, how could you betray me?' and suchlike), and gone to take our seats. Charlotte and I were slap bang in the middle, on the front row. YAYWE'REGONNABEONTV!!! So, we were on our best behaviour. There was to be no picking of noses, lots of pouting and sitting in a ladylike manner was the order of the day.

The show commenced, it was pretty dull, apart from one story which was about a man who was dying of alcoholism. He had come on the show to show a video diary of what it was like to be a horrendous alcoholic. Strangely, for this kind of show, it was actually quite moving. (This is also important)

We went home and thought nothing of it until the date I knew it would be broadcast. I took the day off college and settled down, to see how much I could be seen. For most of it, all you could see was the top of our heads, as they had filmed the audience who was higher up. That is, until the alcoholic had just shown his video diary and Jezza announced that the wonder-that-is-Graham was going to come on. Then the camera suddenly pans the audience, where everyone is looking suitably downcast at how shit this guy's life is.... and Charlotte and I are grinning like loons and giving each other the thumbs up... oops. We has let our guards down and ended up looking like total bitches. Meh.

Length? I told you, he's waaay short...


I was also on SMTV and managed to piss off Ant and Dec, in a children's quiz show to celebrate the Millennium and a regular on a CITV show... I'll post the stories if anyone wants them, but I'm feeling a bit lazy atm.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 11 Jun 2009, 19:03, Reply)