DWA - DUMPED WITH ATTITUDE
I was seeing a girl from Ireland's fair shores - a gal who despite her bourgeois upbringing, influential connections and rich parents had gone it alone and set up her own successful publishing empire with pop star clients and fashionista cred. She was a nice girl but things had tired; in truth her rather plus plus size was (hypocritically) bothering me and living in Scotland the flights over to a different country on a Saturday night then back on the Wednesday were a little too much to bear despite the cred of having a jet-set international relationship. I wanted out.

But I am also a coward. I schemed how to do it without the months of "Why? It's me not you" discussions. And I hit on a plan - I simply didn't turn up for her birthday.

Now obviously that is a shitty thing to do. I'm not proud but weighing up the options that seemed the easiest course of action. Like the emotional cripple I clearly am, if you can't run then hide I thought so I simply didn't get on the plane that weekend.

Now one aspect of all this that has to be explained is that the aforementioned successful girl was launching a new high-profile venture in Ireland (I can't say what since it would identify her and she is guiltless here - I'm the pathetic one in this story) and that new venture had drawn a lot of attention because of the relative backward nature of a nation still partially in thrall to the bigoted Catholic church. That attention had brought her to the attention of both the Irish and the international media and as a result a reality tv programme was being made of her and her new adventure.

So her birthday went by and I heard nothing on the day - RESULT! I thought: I must be well dumped without any of the pain or inconvenience of actually talking about it forever - but I had no idea what she had in store for me. I tell you now lads, never underestimate the ire of a clever and capable woman.

The day afterwards my house phone rang and thinking I was in the clear I answered it. First all I could hear was a song being sung down the phone: "Happy birthday to me/happy birthday to me/ happy birthday dear XXXX/happy birthday to me". Then the voice rasped at me in a very clear Dublin accent - "You didn't come for my birthday". I mumbled back my excuse - "Oh, it was your birthday - I err thought it was next week."
Pause. My lie had sunk in.

"Well" she says: "I think we both know what that means....." Pause. I felt guilty I was hoping to avoid this - damn being a coward sometimes doesn't work. Mea culpa mea maximum culpa.

And then as I sat pondering my next response my mobile phone received a text message. I looked at it and it read:

THEY ARE FILMING THIS YOU BASTARD.

Class revenge. I had to admire it. In my head I could even hear the softspoken voice over on the eventual tv show building up the tension for the scene: "XXX is having a hard time with the launch, the stresses are building up on her as the money runs out and amidst the chaos and confusion she realises her Scottish boyfriend has missed her birthday. She makes a call to tell him what she thinks...."

There you are DWA - dumped with attitude. I've never seen the tv program, I presume it saw the light of day somewhere and I've always rather admired that she did that to me. I'm not without a sense of humour even when I'm on the receiving end. I deserved it really.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Mon 15 Jun 2009, 18:43, 2 replies)

.....
I'm....not sure why I clicked 'I like this'; part of me feels you're a horrible horrible man but at the same time you seem to know when you've been naughty...
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Tue 16 Jun 2009, 11:44, closed)

....
Well you are right - horrible and nice in equal measures but mixed up in some dynamic dialectic of ugliness. I'm also pretentious....
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Wed 17 Jun 2009, 13:12, closed)