Go, Newton house. Woo.
The local comprehensive I went to tried to instill us with some pride in the school by getting us to compete with the former grammar school down the road. Only that was the school everyone applied for and ours was the school that people went to because they didn't get in. So they always won. At everything.

As a result, and in a lesson I learnt well for future life, our school stopped trying to compete and ignored the other school completely.

All sporting and academic competitions would now be held internally and each year group would be split into different "houses". Now most schools have had this sort of set up for years, ours was new to it so true to form; they did it all wrong.
The four new "houses" ended up being predominantly two teams of girls and two teams of boys, each team then split into the "normal kids" and the "spazzers".

It was clinically split too, there was no mistaking it, someone had clearly sat down, researched and carried out some kind of creepy gender and physical ability based ethnic cleansing on each year.

Only they'd cocked that up too. I, the incredibly talented Dervel of school football, cross country and basketball team fame was in the boys dribbler house!

I was clearly in the wrong team. You could tell that by the trainers alone! I had my peer group approved Nike Air Pegasus on and everyone else in my house had on Nicks and Pony. I didn't even have any of my packed lunch on my t-shirt for Christ's sake! Of all the errors to make this one was up there with Suffolk.

I pointed out this obvious oversight and I was snubbed. I argued my case and I was dismissed. I had a wobbly and I was ignored. I even went so far as to tell my mum. Nothing.

So I was doomed to PE and sports day with Newton house, in their green shirts of disappointment and misery.

This was physical education for the so vastly incapable that the rules of popular sports were rewritten.
In basketball you now got points for not just getting the ball through the hoop, but for merely hitting the backboard.
Points for a try in rugby? How unfair! Getting points for three consecutive passes seems far more fitting a reward for your effort.
Shot put? Well that just seems a bit unnecessary doesn’t it? Here try it with this cricket ball. After all you wont be needing that for playing cricket now will you, you can play cricket indoors with this sponge ball and plastic wicket on springs.

Thanks a bunch Mr. Williams you bearded twunt.
( Dervel OTBC, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 12:21, 1 reply)

Newton House?
Were the others called Flemming, Drake an Hillary?
(massively_optimistic that's terrific!, Fri 20 Nov 2009, 13:37, closed)