Bandy.
Back in the early seventies I had very, very bad anger management issues, mainly brought about because I was a shortarse and not very good at anything, never mind sport. Then my Dad’s mate decided to take a role in “straightening me out”. “Come to my club,” he said, “Wear a baggy t-shirt and baggy jeans.” So I did. And was introduced to the wonderful world of Martial Arts , the club being known as the Martial Arts Academy. Although it was mainly Shotokan Karate, there was also a strong element of sadism and extreme training. As a result within six months I was fit as fuck and far more muscular than an early teen should be, with a very Zen attitude (they also taught basic yoga and gave credence to a hotch-potch of eastern mysticism). Another six months and I was quite useful in a raw talent sort of way. How does this go with PE you may ask? Read on, oh best beloved, read on.

We had a PE teacher forever known as Bandy for obvious reasons. He was shit hot at everything and especially hockey. He also happened to be an enthusiastic teacher and pretty damn good with the kids. Except me. I was his biggest source of frustration and most lessons ended halfway through with the scream of “Porkylips, get out of my sight! I can’t stand this any longer.” However one day he asked the fateful question “Are you good at ANYTHING boy?” and instead of muttering or mumbling and fidgeting I replied in my brightest and most enthusiastic manner “Yes sir, I do martial arts.”

After he had stopped laughing he asked for a demonstration and I demurred, being a bit reticent in general. “Come on son, try and hit me. It’ll be Ok I’ve got belts in aikido.” We both adopted an opening stance and I flying kicked him very hard in the face. He didn’t even get a chance to raise his hands. After that I was given no leeway whatsoever. He reckoned if I was that fit and fast I should be much better at sport. Fucksticks. I did however discover the lethality known as hockey but that’s another story.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Fri 20 Nov 2009, 15:06, Reply)