I'm not so bad like
I'm a student so I reckon a lot of this is obligatory. Only considered posting this because someone mentioned a bottle of piss, and there is a frosty jacks bottle half full next to me, on the floor but that only happened yesterday because I needed a piss and my housemate was showering. Usually I'd go out the window but it was broad daylight. At least it has the lid on yeh?

To my left, within reaching distance if I lean,is a bottle. It is a 35cl Prince Consort London Gin bottle and it is roughly 40% full of roach ends, ash, spit and phlegm. This has no lid but has a low centre of gravity and a sturdy base so I'm not too worried. There is also a dregs/ash filled can to my left, which I can reach without leaning, hence its replacement of the gin bottle for now.

My bed sheets have been washed since christmas, but I fell asleep with chewing gum behind my ear the other morning so one side of one of the pillows has a bit of a chud stain. Got rid of all the sticky bits though.

I haven't showered since tuesday morning. It's now sunday but I probably will today. I have short hair and this isn't regular practise, I'm usually a once every 2 days kinda guy.

Under my bed lies a santa hat with about 4 shots of spunk inseminated into it. Again this isn't regular practise, its just still there incase I get caught short again. Sensible.

I wear socks for two days on the trot MAX as they smell too bad after that. Boxers should last 4 days (regular, reversed, inside-out regular, inside-out reversed) but in reality it is easy to lose count, as well you know. Jeans, tops and coats need only be washed if something has gone seriously wrong.

Haven't used soap since I was about 4, only wash me hands after a piss if I actually got piss on my hands (c'mon, if blokes had to wash their hands after every time they held their cocks the world economy would crumble.) I use shampoo mind, trim the pubes and armpits and sometimes even use roll-on deodorant, so on balance I'm not really smelly. (Thing is, I understand that maybe I should smell, so I've asked quite a lot of people. Pretty blunt people at that, and I've still got a 100% 'you smell fine/you dont have halitosis' rate.)

My piece de resistance was probably in the first year of uni, when I had a nose-bleed so vile that the resulting blood clot couldn't find its way down the plug hole. Naturally I fished it out with one of those ear-cleaners and put it in a bottle. This was left on my top shelf and forgotten about until the end of the year, when I was tidying up. By now it was no longer thick and red, but was the colour of a guiness-shit and very, very thin. Wanting to save space in the bin bag, I loosened the top a little and squeezed out the excess air. Unfortunately I chose to continue breathing, and was hit full in the face with the stench of my own rotting body. There is no way I could possibly describe this smell, but if you're familiar with anything similar you'll know that I painted my carpet a nice shade of stomach instantly.

ANECDOTE:
Me and some mates went out to spain last summer to work on an eco-farm, all very hippy-esque. There was a toilet outside in the woods, or the toilet inside which was for passing solids ONLY. Neither flushed, and both involved shitting then putting hay on top.

My mate not only disregarded the no pissing rule, but also used the inside toilet for the three days he suffered from chronic dioreah. Because of how gross this toilet was, we left it as long as possible before cleaning it out. Me and mate 2 drew the short straws, and got to work.

Cleaning this toilet out involved opening a cupboard-like door on the front, sliding the bucket of shit out and taking this to a compost heap about 100metres from the house. Due to it being very full, and full of the liquidiest, vilest dihoretic shit known to man, we failed even to slide the flimsy bucket out from its base, and this shit slopped out onto the floor. Now, during a spanish summer, this room already smelled pretty awful. I had as of yet refused to even use it, instead prefering to head outside at all hours of the night to do my business. I lasted about 30 seconds after the initial spillage before vomiting in the sink. Only, typically, this sink wasn't even plumbed in, and the vom just poured through the plughole and out onto the floor. We fled the room, but there was still a job to be done.

T-shirts were tied round our faces and we headed in, picked up the bucket, and steadily this time carted it to the compost heap. When we got it there we didn't know how to empty it without getting covered in shite, so we put it near the heap and levered it over with big sticks.

Ready for the gross bit? As soon as it poured out, Chica, a dumb dog who was living on the farm, ran over and started lapping it up! This made me puke again, this time into the shit, while my mate used his stick to chase the dog off (mainly just because he hated the dog, but partly so it didn't die I guess.)

Dogs have the worst hygiene record ever.
(Daveh, Sun 25 Mar 2007, 15:24, Reply)