pissy mary
right....we were kids and there used to be this family whose surname I shan't mention.

They had a daughter who went to secondary with my brother...her name was mary and always used to smell of wee. One time she wet herself at the bus-stop and forever was known as pissy mary.

Not an amazing story that....but the rest is.

She used to have a brother called John. Now he was a strange lad, he played with toys way beyond the age that children should do. He talked to himself a lot and did not have many (well, any) friends. But he constantly talked about his scalectrix set. He said it was the biggest ever and took up two rooms in his house.

Now, I am a thirteen year old lad, that sort of thing would pique my interest. If I was to be honest, it still does (hypocrisy alert!). So one time, myself and two others decided to go see it. He was ecstatic with glee - and proceeded to take us to his house, a normal terrace house.

Now his parent's were in the salvation army and while I have always appreciated the role that they play in being a help for the homeless and destitute, wearing their uniforms at all times bordered on the creepy. They had an older sister, whose name escapes me, who was also in the sallies and when we entered the house they were all in backroom in full dress practicing on their brass instruments. Nothing wrong with that at all.

The problem was that the front room had essentially been given over to their dogs and in one corner was dog food piled high (no dish) and in the other, the stench of faeces was overpowering...I gagged while John basically jumped on the pets that he adored. There was no furniture in this room.

He eventually showed us this scalextrix....it ran indeed from two rooms...his and his two sisters. It truly was amazing...he'd used extra power (transformers??) and the cars worked a treat. The problem here was that it appeared to be a permanent fitting in the house, so the carpet around it was littered with dog hair, old food and dirty clothes. I think the used tampons was the worst (although I didnt know what they were at the time).

Anyway, after playing for twenty minutes, and feeling itchy and unclean for most of it, I felt a compelling need to leave. This was when John said 'awww but mommy has made you food.' This escalated the need to leave at least tenfold, especially as the food - a bacon buttie - was served on a stainless stell pot-lid. This was when him having dogs paid off hehehe.

We left that house and I told my mother about it, she never let me go there again.
(occasionallyfunny, Tue 27 Mar 2007, 12:58, Reply)