My mate Phil (cont'd)
Phil has recounted several tales of building site wrongess which I'll attempt describe for your reading pleasure.

A new chap starts on site and quickly starts annoying people, always a dangerous thing to do. By the end of the week they're so fed up with him that they wait until he disappears into the portaloo clutching his copy of the Daily Sport whereupon they go into full Jackass mode and tip the fetid Turd-Tardis on it's side. The shocked chap exits the kharzy rather sheepishly stained in a funny blue/brown colour which remains until the end of the (hot and sticky July) working day. By close of play he's reeking sufficiently badly for no-one to want him in their van so the effluent attired unfortunate is forced to walk five miles home, humming all the way.

One other chap specializes in "Hooping" his victims, ie waiting until they are otherwise engaged on the phone or eating lunch before dropping trousers, bending over and creeping up on them arse first. Being the master of stealth, he'll try and get his arse as close as possible to someone before alerting them at the last second so they get a faceful of stinking builder's ring. His proudest achievement resulted in a nine inch skid placed down the back of someone's white T shirt.

The final escapade is rather graphic so excuse me if I slip into builder vernacular. A chap is handing out Opal Fruits which are declined all round until one gulliable sort takes a sweet and puts it in his mouth, but his suspicions are aroused when he notices that everyone is wincing at him. "What? What the fuck's up?" enquired the chap.

Turned out that the Opal Fruit had been placed in a builder's bum before being carefully resealed in it's wrapper.

"You fucking dirty cunt!" screams the victim, who promptly plots revenge and the next day pisses in the half full milk bottle of his tormentor.

Naturally the prankster is none to impressed to be on the receiving end and hatches the most devious and nasty of plots. The next evening he returns home and engages in coitus with his wife who was in a rather delicate time of the month. This last detail was essential to the revenge, declining a shower the next morning, our site prankster turns up at the site portakabin and smears his ripe knob all over the inside of his victim's tea mug.

"Fahkkin 'ell, anyone checked the fahkin' milk today? I fink it's gone orf. My tea dunnarf smell cheesy"

I'm told the ensuing punch up took five people to subdue.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Wed 28 Mar 2007, 14:15, Reply)