A tale of rodents
Well where to start?

Back in the day me and my sister had a herd of Russian Dwarf hamsters over the years. She got bored but I still loved them so got some more when our first pair died. The second pair were “guaranteed” by the pet shop to be brother and brother, so no danger of inbred babies, so we thought. Strange when one day I noticed one victimising the other, with the attacker staying down in the nest and the other poor rodent (obviously the hen pecked male) shivering up at the top in the remote dome thing of the cage. So I separated them and went to clean the cage out only to find 4 pink things about the size of a runner bean wriggling in the nest. Quickly put it all back together and the mother took them back. So we had 4 little cute dwarf hamsters running around, after a couple of weeks they were about the size your little finger. This kind of thing happened many times, I think we had 12 hamsters at one point, couldn't sell them fast enough before another litter was born!

After a few years got bored and moved on to bigger and better rodents! So we got a dwarf lop eared rabbit, dwarf my arse, he was enormous! Anyway he had been born to a family whose kids terrorised the rabbits’ cage so he was naturally traumatised and hence somewhat of a psychopath. We had these great leather gauntlets for hoiking him out of his cage to clean him because no matter how frequently we cleaned his hutch out he always sat in his poo and had dangleberries all the time. After a year or so he was too big for his hutch so we bought a deluxe hutch which sat on top of a run with an alpine style ramp down onto the ground. Awesome thing, but we soon found we had to dig up the garden and subvert his escape attempts by putting bricks underground so he couldn’t dig out. Natural rabbit behaviour I guess. Anyway he became even more mental, would be fine with you at safe distance behind chicken wire but remove the barrier and fangs and claws would be borne and you would be lucky not to get scratched. The years passed and unfortunately the big lovable bunny wabbit we had bought was too dangerous to let out.

We went on holiday and left him at a local pet shop to be looked after for a week. Came back to collect him and sure enough Marvin (for that was his name, as in Marvin the paranoid android from Hitchhiker’s Guide) was sitting on the counter, whilst small unattended children wandered helplessly around the shop! Very surprised at not seeing blood sprayed everywhere and child’s severed limbs on the floor we asked how he was so calm. The pet shop owner said he just picked him up and realised he was a big softie! Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! He had sat on the counter for a week, being petted by people, being fed and generally having a wail of a time. Apparently all these years we had just picked him up slightly wrong, which resulted in him being pissed off and generally hating us. Other people could pick him up and he would just placidly sit and do nothing, generally lapping up the attention.

We were given an albino (so mental already) Guinea pig as well at some point and Marvin used to amused himself by chasing the petrified GP around the run and nudge him in the side with his nose, at which point the terrified little thing would squeal and run a few laps round the cage being hawkishly watched by Marvin. When he stopped for breathe, Marvin would sidle up to and then nudge him again. Hours of fun. Poor little wotsit. The guinea pig was old anyway and after a while did live a happy and peaceful life after Marvin got bored of the tormenting him they actually became quite close, sleeping together all huddled up in straw, awww.

A few weeks later my step dad’s folks came to visit with their bastard offspring of Satan Scottie/pug/hideous thing with the lower jaw that overhangs the upper jaw. Of course smelling a rabbit he went nuts by the cage trying to get it, I had forgotten to shut the ramp so Marvin wasn’t confined in his upper sealed hutch bit. Hearing the commotion he came hurtling down the ramp face to face with this damn dog, although safely behind chicken wire the shock was too much and he keeled over and that was it. Step dad’s dad never even apologised. Haven’t forgiven him for that yet. I am so sorry Marvin for not picking you up right and letting that little rat Dougal anywhere near your run, so sorry old chap :(

Sorry about the length and lack of a happy ending. He was actually an awesome rabbit, would probably have kicked the arses of the cats we now get in the garden. RIP fella.
(Stanlington Jobsworthy Smythe Last skived off work on, Tue 12 Jun 2007, 12:03, Reply)