I arrived in the USA.
I'd just got off a flight from Tokyo Narita. It was 4am. I was, by dint of being in business class and not being a lazy arse, the first person through the arrivals area and into the immigration zone.

So I turn up at a desk manned by the largest black man I have ever seen. If he stood up, he'd probably have been about five foot eight, but he weighed, at a minumum, thirty stone. His uniform shirt was doing that thing where there are gaps between the buttons because the material is under such strain. I walked smartly up to his desk, put my briefcase on the floor, and waited a moment. He completely ignored me.

Nonplussed by this display of colonial ignorance, I tried to be helpful. I looked around, and noticed a large sign below his desk which explained, in big, red letters that I should (a) stand more or less where I was standing, (b) put my passport on the desk, (c) place my index finger on the little glass pad and (d) look into the camera to the left. So I did all these things.

King Kong now deigned to notice me. "What are you doing?" he inquired. This seemed such a spectacularly obtuse question that I was momentarily confused. There's a massive sign in front of me telling me what to do, in excruciating detail. You presumably spend your entire working day instructing people to do what it says on the sign. And here I am, the only other person for forty metres, doing exactly what it says on the sign. How is this confusing for you?

Eventually I managed to stutter out the word "Well, the sign says..." when the gorilla before me rudely interrupted to inform me "DON'T DO ANYTHING UNTIL I TELL YOU."

Wow. Welcome to the USA.

So many things ran through my mind, but this fuckwit clearly had a tiny, tiny amount of power and was on a hair trigger to use ALL of it at the slightest provocation, so I just smiled and complied.

Fuck America.
(SonofRojBlake, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 8:39, 11 replies)

I think it's nice
That there are jobs for people with micro penises.
(Oooh_cuntroversial Where have I been?, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 9:31, closed)

To be fair, airport security staff aren't employed for their laid-back attitude and easy-going nature.
I mean - try joking with them about how you've got a bomb in your briefcase.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 14:59, closed)

I like the careful juxtaposition of mentioning flying business class and admitting being shit at airports.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 15:24, closed)

And his not being a lazy arse.

(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 16:22, closed)

Yup
It is true that the USA immigration officials obviously enjoy making the most of their power. The fact that they all carry a gun does not help. The only worse people in the airport are those who tell you which queue to stand in for immigration. They do not carry a gun but they usually have a clipboard, which is probably worse.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 20:13, closed)

I'd already pissed off the woman with the clipboard....
... by the simple method of not walking approximately a kilometre round the carefully laid out tensa-barrier thingy and instead, given that I was, as I said, the single solitary only other human in sight in the entire ten-acre concourse, simply ducking under the thing and going in more or less a straight line to where I was heading.

And yes, I flew business class. It was the first and last time I ever did so. It was brilliant. And I'm crap at airports because when I'm not flying for work (i.e. my entire life apart from that one time) I hardly ever go through the bloody things.
(SonofRojBlake, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 22:26, closed)

US immigration is a gentle introduction to the police state you’re going to meet landside in that ‘Land of the Free’.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Sun 30 Mar 2014, 23:26, closed)

He probably took an instant dislike to you
what with you being a racist and all.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Mon 31 Mar 2014, 2:16, closed)

typical honky

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 31 Mar 2014, 7:02, closed)

*Honks*
Gets accused of sexual harassment.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Mon 31 Mar 2014, 9:02, closed)

I don't doubt all this, but
just for balance I have made a fair few trips to the USA, and apart from the occasional long queue, have never had any aggravation at all.

I've never had to deal with any immigration goon that wasn't polite and pleasant.

Must just be lucky I suppose.
(username failed moderation, Mon 31 Mar 2014, 14:47, closed)